At the end, what will matter?

I constantly ask myself this question. What even matters? What can I do with my time that will have any meaning?

Spend time with family? Eat good food? Raise kids? Write? Play games?

In the grand scheme of things, these are things people have done way better than I have and what I can do would be infinitesimal, right?

In this post, I’ll talk about what I’ve done so far (in terms of what “matters”) and then brainstorm what I might do differently.

What I’ve done so far:

1. Got an Ivy League degree
2. Spent time with my mom, whom I love, before she died
3. Spent time with my best friend

I feel like these are things that matter to me. And I’m grateful God gave me a work from home job to help me redeem a bit more time too.

But I really want to make sure I’m not messing things up or missing out on opportunities.

I tried pursuing the “church” life but I have re-evaluated religion in general, and I feel that organized religion can be bad for my mental health because I’m gay, and there is still a lot of negativity in that.

Here’s a brainstorm of what might matter:

1. Creating a board game empire: At the end wouldn’t this seem frivolous and useless? It would be fun, and it could help other people have fun, but the most important part is imparting a piece of me in the blurbs and YouTube videos I make as a part of this, right? Even then, documentaries and bios are made of even more important people, and that doesn’t even matter to me. Is the value of this just making an income producing system that I like doing? (lesser of evils logic?)
2. A humanitarian cause: Unless I change the system, people will always be in pain/need help. To change the system, I need to be part of an NGO, lobbying group, or in politics. I don’t really like any of that, but I can see myself doing politics. I would want to go big though. And even then, I’m not physically equipped to do it. I get tired so easily. I’ve wanted to start an orphanage before, but really, that’s after I’ve “made it-made it”. And does changing a system even matter when it may only be effective for a decade or even century in the grand scheme of millennia? I guess maybe, but I wouldn’t even care, would I? Helping really really poor people get a baseline of living would matter a lot though, but do I have it in me to really actualize this?
3. Helping children in need to turn their lives around: I’ve wanted to do this via CASA, but it’s not something I’m good at because I am bad at consistently mentoring. It’s not my strong suit. There are better people out there, and I don’t have enough passion true to myself to work at it. It’s truly what matters though. Like my gov teacher who adopts children and creates a positive environment.
4. Becoming an influencer: This can be vacuous, but if I can get people to think outside the box, that may be interesting. But in the grand scheme, doesn’t matter.
5. Indulging in pleasures (enjoying the moment as much as possible): There’s the idea that if nothing matters, just enjoy the moment as much as possible. Sex, food, travel, luxuries, etc. Well, I don’t really have money to support luxuries, but given this premise, the indulging wouldn’t matter, and it’s just more momentary “benefit”. I guess it’s a realization in itself that nothing matters.
6. Exploring the world and learning things in it: This is really cool for me. And if I can come to some unique realization or unique product (either media or physical product), that would be awesome. Like having a film crew document my whole life. (or the rest of it) and making productions. That’d be sick. It wouldn’t “matter”, but I’d be proud of it.
7. Making connections with people all around: This is cool, but people are fleeting. And it makes me sick thinking about making meaningless connections only for them to disappear later.
8. Making a select group of friends I really like: I care about this too, but who is really gonna stick? I already have a few close friends and I doubt I’ll find any better ones with the same foundation I’ve already established with these. These relations matter to me, but at the end of the day, we will all die and our memories of existence will be forgotten in this world.
9. Finding a life partner and building a family: This can feel very meaningful even because of biological/evolutionary reasons. But it’s so common and “normie”. I’d need to do it a bit differently for it to be like whoa.
10. Raising A LOT of children: Like if I raised 12 kids, I think that’d be really above average? It’d feel pretty awesome. People have obviously done more, but if I can somehow build some sort of family legacy and such that lasts for a generation or two, that’d feel nice? Still meaningless in the grand scheme, but something to be “proud” of. I mean my grandpa had 17 kids, so that’s already more than 12 LOL. Dang, I’m behind. He and my grandma with 8 kids are “venerated” but we will all move on and my grandchildren if I have any won’t even know about them, likely speaking, much less care.

My preliminary goal and hope (like max dream and luck scenario) has been:

A. Next 5 years become financially independent by investing in real estate and building a board game empire that I love but runs itself mostly

B. Have 5+ surrogate children and hire nannies to help raise them. Have lots of expert tutors and foster a place for them to think outside the box and explore their passions

C. Find a life partner around 37–40 and get married, promoting queer Asian American ideals together as influencers. (I’m okay just being single too)

The thing is, my existence isn’t really special in any way. I’m an Asian American who grew up in California, went to an Ivy, is gay, grew up Christian, has a mom who died of cancer, and is an only child. Where’s the twist? There isn’t one. And I wouldn’t want one unless it’s positive, right?

Like, if I got some windfall or accomplished something crazy, I might have something special about me. But I work an office job, and I do “normal” things (weird, but not weird to the point that nobody else does it).

Is meaning for me just breaking out of normality and becoming ultra unique in some way? Being known for something super unique?

Maybe transforming the board game industry? Somehow revolutionizing it with a whole new category of games? That’s still a drop in one industry, among a sea of other industries/categories of things.

Given the current world, I feel like the best thing I can do is create some CRAZY content to share on the internet to break out of normalcy.

Creating games to play that very accurately mimic real life situations? Seeing the world as a game.

Life is a game where the points don’t matter. Just have fun.

^ Lol idk if I believe that, I’m just brainstorming.

I’ve come to really not care what people think of me. I’m lucky to be able to do that, I know. I won’t take it for granted.

It has freed me up a bit, but still, I honestly have a part of me holding myself back sometimes because of what others may think. And ultimately, to do something crazy, I need to let that go.