Birthday Reflection (I’m 35 now)

It was my birthday yesterday, and I had dinner with my Aunt in Irvin, and met up with 2 guys in the area: a white guy (who claimed to be 36, looked 42) who sucked my does and sucked me a bit, then a really hot 24-year old Chinese guy who didn’t seem that interested but still jerked me off, and jerked himself off naked in my car.

Tomorrow (today, Christmas), I’m going to see Nosferatu with Adem and Stephe Chah.

And I was just looking at my 3 properties’ prices, thinking about the kind of life I’d want.

After exploring LA more this past month, I don’t really think I want to live that LA life. Sure the 123 party I went to was fun, but the vibe is, like the host put it in his story, about “jello shots, drunken pizza, and campy photoshoots”. I only really like the photoshoots. I guess the shots are fun too lol. I mean I love the vibe, but that’s not really me-me at the end of the day.

It’s an escape, an exploration, a sexy adventure.

One that I’m not used to navigating. I get to risque and I commit some serious faux pas that host-level people will use as reason to not invite me anymore.

Either I’m not fun enough, or I overdo it. I guess that’s the “negative” in me speaking. I still end up hanging out and making friends with other guests.

And maybe that’s fine.

But it’s an LA vs OC thing. On the regular, LA life feels so congested and inconvenient. Maybe Culver City is closer and “nicer” for a good suburban balance — suburban everyday while going into the city a few times a week?

Either way, I’ve narrowed down my possibilities to my condo or my house. I don’t think I want to keep my townhouse anymore. I have the next few months to make it pretty before I try to sell it when my current tenant contract ends on Nov 2025. Ugh that’s a bad time to sell. Maybe I’ll extend for 6 months or do month-to-month? It will best to do a 6 month deal with the rationale to “get them on cycle” with spring/summer lease ends.

Anyway, this year has been crazy, and I’m learning through hot guys kind of not really being super into me (but still willing to let me touch and lightly play) that I’m kind of losing my edge. Right now, I’m too skinny, and I look a bit older than before. I need to really gain some muscle — eat more PROTEIN!

Ugh it’s so late right now. But here are some of my reflections and goals for 2025:

1. Decide where I want to live/decide on living situation
2. Become meatier while retaining abs
3. Continue (and possibly advance) skincare to maintain youth
4. Develop food recipes for healthy/yummy food that I can also share with friends/acquaintances
5. Decide on which relationships I want to further, and deepen them
6. Develop and follow my personal guidelines for first-time parties, drugs, and gaysian socializing.
7. Consider learning to story-tell for BOTC, consider hosting in future
8. Free up my daily time to do more self-reflection, health maintenance, and hobby-discovery
9. Find love, but selectively and wisely, applying what I’ve learned and not “settling” even though the field is rough
10. Treat myself and give myself good things

Wow that’s a lot of goals, but I think I really did think more deeply than my original “quick goals”.

Okay, time for “I wants”. Let’s see how they’ve changed.

1. I want to live a meaningful and deep life that feels satisfying, where I love and feel loved.
2. I want a partner that I love who also loves me, that I enjoy making out/making love with, who is good-natured, kind, smart, puts in effort, and is fun to be with.
3. I want to live a daily life where I am engaging in the things I love to do.
4. I want to maintain a sense of fun and adventure, exploring and learning new things.
5. I want to be true to myself, and not be stuck worrying about being accepted or making faux pas mistakes
6. I want to be a generous and happy person that is enjoying life and the people around.
7. I want to feel like things are going somewhere, that things have meaning, and that I’m improving/evolving into something better, and that I will have a more lasting/significant effect from what I do.
8. I want to enjoy the process of whatever I’m headed toward. Happiness is not guaranteed when goals are reached, so try to be as happy as possible on whatever journey is chosen.

I’m so thankful for this year, but it’s also been the hardest year of my life: my dad dying, my breakup, finding out my ex cheated.

People that were there for me:

1. Family category: Enice, Izek, Jash, Ester, 8 Sister (supporting: Febe, Rey/Mey, Uncle 4)
2. Friend category: Wills, Doreth/Jemie, Loiy (chat), Derek, Antony G, Emeline, Dorosy

People who weren’t really there for me that I wish were: Sean, Devid

I want to make sure these people who were there for me are continually appreciated and remembered. I need to take them out. I think I haven’t taken Izek out in a while. And also Febe/Rey/Mey. But I do gift Rey/Mey.

People so far I want to deepen relationships with and WHY:

1. Adem — Access to events and people. But he’s also introspective. I don’t like that he ditches people and is standoff-ish. And he isn’t honest sometimes and will just do whatever he wants. Almost feels transactional, but I need the boost. This actually seems kinda sucky to think about.
2. Denny G — he genuinely seems like a good person. He also has access, but isn’t that flaunty at all. He is interested in being friends too. And even though he’s not a gaysian and I don’t have any “attraction”, that’s totally OK lol. He lives far, but he actually is a good, fun person to develop a friendship with. Also, good match on exploration/trying new things/enjoying things. And open-mindedness, I think.
3. K-Chi — This almost start to feel like a transactional relationship. I really should’ve gone to events with her but the skin treatment fucked me. Now, it seems K has lost interest in inviting me to things, and she mostly sticks to her core group. Which is totally fine lol. But I need to do more of the stuff she recommends before we meet again or else it won’t feel like I’m keeping up with the relationship. I think K is nice and interesting, but I also don’t know if she is interested in being friends anymore and what she’s thinking. It can feel awkward and stuff around her. I think I’ll need to re-evaluate this some more. I don’t just want the celebrity attachment, I also think K is an interesting person that I haven’t gotten to really know yet. Like what is driving her, and what were the challenges/are the challenges? We are a bit too superficial, and she’s been more of a “careful” benefactor in the relationship.
4. Ting — We have a fun connection, but I’m not entirely sure if I am attracted enough to him physically, and via interests. He is a partyboy/dancer, and I’m more introverted. I like the Taiwanese connection though, and I actually think he has good emotional maturity and levity to him while being able to take things seriously. He’s tall, and kinda cute from certain angles. I just don’t know if we match sexually/physically? I’m open to figuring this out more.
5. Greag — I’m not all too sure on this. I think he has some quirks that make him a difficult person? Like very set in his ways/drawing conclusions (ie. set on having a bad time at the bar, fixation on frugality). I don’t really jive with these. But we chat, and he is a responsive friend. I think he was putting in more effort before. Now idk. But if he still continues, I will too. He’s a great sounding board for my inner thoughts. I pulled back on sharing location. I don’t like sharing my location.
6. Kwok — Seems interested in building a relationship with me. Has some mannerisms that don’t seem like he’s interested though, idk why. A good connection to getting invites to hangout with them. But I’m not that into raves/drugs. It’s more like a way to party if I want to with safe people who are nice.
7. Jemes Woo — He keeps up with me, but he never invites me to group settings and hit on me once. It’s confusing for me as to what this relationship is. But I love the food exploration and being able to bounce ideas from him/learn from him (either about food/drink or about gaysian experiences and his opinions). I’ll keep hanging for that, and as a connect to the gaysian world, but I don’t seem him providing much value in the gaysian world besides being someone I can vibe with if I hang with his group, which is tbh very important too. I think we do get along well too, so let’s see where it goes.

Maybe people:

• Jashiwash (good for networking/potential fun),
• Ivan (fun/friend),
• Jimmy (can be burdensome with un-unique deep discussions, but sincere),
• Stephe (BOTC connection, not sure if want to be friends),
• Neal (seems on-off with interest, but overall positive and seems nice, network),
• Tanh (I totally would want to deepen, but he seems more once-in-a-while chat, which is okay; I’ll keep the connect and we can see; he might be on guard and fixated with his impression of me from HS still?),
• Alvin (cute, but obvious i’m not a priority response lol and too much age diff),
• Charlie (seems interested in dev a relationship, but only seen once, so TBD, could be future in to 123 parties; like his positive vibe),
• Gene (only chatting, but is super chill),
• Ben-streamer (seems interested in a sparse/spaced out friendship lol, idk why, but we have similar interests, and I’d like to maintain and see what happens),
• Huy (seems nice and he/husband are great people, will want to maintain, but idk how things will go; overall would love to deepen)
• Jonjon (good energy/responsiveness, but too sexual? i kind of an okay with it but i don’t want any pressure to put out. i am curious to see how hangouts go but having to set boundaries is wearisome; he’s just a horny guy who isn’t just acting out bc of drugs aka me lol!)

People I don’t care to explore more with:

• Jericho (he invited me to tag at DS, but I didn’t go Sat, and I think the relationship is prob spoiled for now; can rekindle if needed but his group is not that nice),
• Yung (I’m not that sure if he even likes me, he is slow to respond and doesn’t invite me to things. it will end if he doesn’t invite me. at most, we can have some fun? but even though we connect in hangouts, it’s clear he isn’t putting in as much effort).
• Ben-scorpio (He’s cool, but he’s really just a network point. i dont see us having that much in common or me being interested in more of anything with him lol gg)

Also, the thing with group activities, there are usually hosts, or in 1–1 settings, there’s someone inviting someone out. For me to maintain the relationship, I should be inviting others out to to build the relationship. That makes me consider hosting events or just asking people to hangout regularly. Of course, it’s a back and forth thing, and I can’t be the only one doing it. Need to keep the relationship balanced.

Consider: living in the bigger house to host events, running BOTC events after currying more interest by getting involved in the gaysian community, cooking/baking to share goods with people to become an “asset” that way (but also something fun/”joyful” I like… ugh I don’t really like-like it enough).

Damn, this is the longest and most detailed birthday reflection ever? I’m glad I finally did it, but I won’t be able to wake up for my movie tomorrow. LOL. Whatever, it’s Christmas!

As you can tell, I think way too much about things like social interactions and social strategy. That’s a common gay thing, right? I just need to create more space for myself.

OK, time for bed. I’m so glad I did this. I have a lot of love and appreciation for this self-reflection that’s been waiting to happen. And honestly, I need more of it. But I’m often stuck CHATTING with people endlessly LOL. Actually I even wait hours now before responding, but it looms, and I never do OTHER stuff I need to do LOL.

OK for real now. Good night!