Clouded brain when it comes to next life stage

I’m getting thrown off by some friend dynamics with Adem and K-chi. It’s been hard evaluating where I stand with them and how I’d want to proceed with these friendships.

And I’m starting to feel a bit alienated from the more core gaysian communities:

1. 123 group: I’m making friends with this group, but it’s just casual friends, not deep at this point.
2. High school friend’s group: I have good connections but it feels like there is some disconnect when it comes to respect here. Maybe Jems is pissed that I didn’t end up going out a few days ago. Kwok is nice to me though, but we obviously aren’t besties.
3. 20s party group: basically only a few thread connections here. More acquaintances with no strong connections or desire to be with them.

I’ve spent the last 4 months socializing more and I really don’t have deeper bonds with anyone except Denny.

If I move to LA, it will really just be to gain closer proximity to the gaysian social life. I already go to LA to hangout, so my social calendar isn’t going to look too different. I honestly don’t feel that compelled to move, and I don’t want to party that much.

What I really want when it comes to gay life:

1. A connection to the community: occasional events, keeping in touch with gaysian spaces, having friends
2. Friendship: Deeper friendships in the gay community with people I vibe/connect with; people who truly care about me, respect me, and like me for who I am (mutual).
3. Playing with hot guys: I want to enjoy sexual stuff with hot guys. This means tapping into hot guys that are not part of my gaysian social circles. Don’t sleep where you socialize!
4. A serious relationship: I do want to get back into dating, but I don’t want there to be a ton of pressure in the “getting to know people” phase, which is where I’ll be starting from square one.

What I don’t want:

1. Anxious social navigations (social anxiety): I don’t want to feel like I have to be on my toes or watching what I say/do. I know I am genuinely here to make friends and be myself. If I don’t act natural, it’ll be obvious. People will know I’m genuine, without me feeling like I need to prove myself. If people aren’t playing nice, I won’t be able to enjoy myself. Judgment, social climbers, and social stabbers are all not of interest to me.
2. Spreading myself too thin: I don’t want to be wasting my time on superficial socials where I don’t really build anything or enjoy my time. I have things I really want to do, and if things don’t get to a deeper level or a place where I have a fair seat at the table, it won’t be worth it for me to keep being a beta guest. I know this will take time, so I’m being patient.

Plan of action:

1. Focusing more on the relationships I want to cultivate: Denny and maybe Adem. Derek (my ex), Dorosy (Norcal). (Devid doesn’t seem to care as much in deepening, Louis annoyed me quite a bit recently, Wills is earnest but too straight so will keep him in moderation, Sean is far and socializes differently, Patty is sometimes fake-ish but nice and someone I will hangout with still here and there).
2. Keep up relationships related to BOTC and board games: K-chi, Stevie, Lory, Lendsay (putting in effort, but not going out of my way or trying to deepen).
3. Keep going to the main parties: enjoying the 123 parties if I get invited, but not putting too much stock into it. Bring alcohol and gifts.
4. Cut back on clubbing and raving: this doesn’t really bring me much joy, and the people I meet there aren’t people I want to keep deepening relationships with. Done and done.
5. Travel to SF and Vancouver for mini-vacays and meetups with gays. This is just for fun and not really to deepen friendships. Maybe connect with potential romantic prospects, but that’s unlikely to pan out.
6. Live in LA for a week at a time via Airbnb furnished condos/homes. Get a vibe.
7. Move to either LA or OC. Right now I’m leaning OC, stuck between 2b2b condo or 5b4b house. It’s more a financial, security, and space decision. Condo is cheaper, safer, but smaller. House is more expensive, more prone to safety issues, but has more space to widen my creativity and invite people. LA would be better for social life, but it’s not where I’d want to take root or stay long term. And I can already drive up there now. OC will be further from LA though, so that could be annoying.

In the long run:

1. Sparse but present house parties and game nights: I feel like the gay game nights are mostly in LA. This makes a strong argument to move there if I want this to be my way of life. I can also create/host games nights in OC though, and I would prefer to establish a life I love and then work the socials around that.
2. Hook-ups: If/when I’m single I want to keep playing with boys. Moving out will help with that more .
3. Be healthy/hot: I want to dedicate time to health and exercise.
4. Relationship: I want to be ready to start/be in a relationship, to host dates and be attractive.
5. Have time to myself: I don’t want to be stuck doing a bunch of housekeeping, cleaning, and cooking. It will be expensive to hire cleaners especially for larger spaces. The 5b4b will be a night mare to constantly clean. The money I save by living in a condo can help pay for cleaners if needed. Will be easier to clean myself too.
6. Have friends over from time to time: to cook, watch shows, chat, and play games. BOTC will be harder to host in a smaller space or even in OC in general.

I’m overall kind of sick of the fickleness of LA gays. OC gays are just more wholesome and family-oriented. OC just feels more comfortable too. I think if I move, I’ll want to live in Cerritos or in OC. My long term house is probably the Anaheim house, but it’s just so big. I kind of don’t want to commit to living there right away. But I’m already 35. If I’m going to ever enjoy that house, it’s now. I don’t have much support for it though. Maybe only my aunt/uncle would be available to help check on it when I go on vacation, and I’d have to get a bunch of cameras and furniture. It’s expensive. But I guess that’s what my savings are for.

I think I will move in 2026 summer when both those leases expire (condo end of August, house end of July). By then, I’ll have to have to have made up my mind. Maybe start with house as I’ll have a month to decide if it’s a bad idea. I’ll be 36. Now, I am preparing/planning.

The big drawback of moving out is losing my aunt/uncle being around. They give me base social atmosphere, great reliable cooking (esp when I’m tired and forget), consistent cleaning, home security, grocery buying, Chinese upkeep, mail sorting/taking in, and more. It would be a big loss. But it’s also something I think I should do to move forward with life. I know I like be taken care of and babied, but it’s not great to do that forever.

Alt plan: In 2025, I can move out to LA, and then in 2026 decide if I’ll stay in LA or not.

I would rather stay where I’m at until I have to decide in 2026 when leases expire. It will happen faster than I think in 1.5 years. I might already be dating by then. I’ll just do short LA stints, and even monthly ones. Gotta be ready for my money to be flying out of me because things will be expensive.