Constantly recalibrating where I want to go in life

The last two months have been busy social LA months. But today, I’ve been reflecting on what my life used to be.

As I searched for hot guys on Sniffies and Grindr, finding few of which none were serious about hooking up, I found myself at home watching YouTube.

I recalled how much of an introverted life I was living back then. I was probably just as “happy” as I am now.

I watched anime, played MTG Arena, journaled, and relaxed. I cruised at Korean spas one in a while I dreamed of being hot to date hotter guys or hookup with hotter guys.

I’m not that much different now, but I do less of the home stuff and go out more. I go to orgies and sex clubs, and I’ve done one circle jerk. And I dream of getting hotter to fuck hotter guys and date a hot guy.

The final answer is going to be about balance.

I like the retreat and relaxation of nights in, but I also like the fun of socializing. But at the end of the day, a lot of these LA socials come back to me empty. Sure, I keep up some relations, get invited to birthdays, and go to themed gaysian events. But the only events I actually LIKE are the games and themed events.

Everything else — clubbing, etc — is for socials, where I do get to connect with cute guys and “make a name” for myself. But what does that get me. Things are quiet throughout the week otherwise. And if I wanted to ramp things up, these gays would always be there. As long as I am nice, have money to spend, and am cute/attractive enough, there will be gays who will be my friend, in such densely populated area as LA.

So, yes, I do want to eventually build a curated community. But I do care more about depth and substance. I want closer friends who we are mutually there for each other, who each put in effort, and who see each other as partners in a friendship, not a hierarchical dynamic.

My dream setup is: me living with my boyfriend/partner, and we can still hookup with others, bring others to hookup with together, and we socialize in LA here and there. But mostly, we enjoy nights in, cooking and playing games. And we have a few close friends who have game nights with.

If my boyfriend is really hot and initiates sex, that might even be better for an exclusive long-lasting relationship?

I like living with my aunt and uncle because it gives me a strong baseline of comfort. And I kind of already do the stuff in my dream setup. I still hookup, social in LA, cook with my aunt/uncle, have a few game nights with ex-church friends, and date decently.

I guess I also naturally calibrate my social/non-social balance already too.

So I’m already doing right by my book. I just need to:

• Clean my room
• Fix my sleep schedule
• Improve my exercise regimen

And probably simplify my schedule. I’ve been in a bit of LA expansion again, and it’s time to contract.