Dad’s inheritance came in; all-time low in life though ($2M net worth)

The check from dad’s shares sell-off (my inheritance since he passed) finally cleared at the bank. It was about $130K, and I just initiated a transfer to the brokerage. It has now pushed me to just a bit over $2M net worth.

It’s crazy, and would normally be a “celebratory” occasion. But this is money from his death, and Ray and I are broken up. I’m at a huge low in life right now. Maybe not “all-time low” because maybe being depressed in college or anxious during DW (another ex) ignoring me could’ve been worse emotionally as I was more tender then. But the circumstances are certainly more extreme and elevated: my parent/last parent died and my longest relationship with whom I loved the most is not longer in my life.

I just want to retreat to comfort, going back to Ray. I just want to disappear and let all my feelings and attachments dissipate. I feel so alone, lonely, and desperate.

I wasn’t always like this. Just a two years ago, I was on top of the world. I was happy with Ray, growing and exploring. I wouldn’t have traded that for $1M (my net worth hit $1M 2 years ago). Well, I got $1M and lost all of that.

Maybe I should just grieve Ray. No more thinking about getting back. Yes, I yearn and miss him. But it was going to be torture for us trying to make it work. Just this year alone we broke up 3 times already.

Maybe I’m really not meant to be in a relationship. I’m the bratty, needy, taker type. I’m the anxious attachment type. I act out sometimes, but when I get paired with someone else who acts out, I have to shape up. I don’t know if I like that. I want to be spoiled! lol, while also being the boss. While also having things balanced. Ha, who in the world would be okay with that, especially other attractive guys who have options.

Well, I do want love. I want a lover, a partner. I do have someone I loved. But it’s the fact that I can’t ignore my other needs in life that we aren’t together. Maybe I’ll just be a sad man. Whatever…