Disagreement with my almost-boyfriend

My Secret Notebook
3 min readJan 29


What it comes down to is how we resolve differences. And today was an almost repeat of Vegas and SD where we have a good trip/weekend, and then the LAST meal, we get into some disagreement.

The only difference is that he didn’t leave abruptly, although he did want to probably. And I was trying to be more careful with my approach.

But a fundamental issue here is that when he feels “threatened” or that a wedge of disagreement has been drawn in between us, he is no longer open-minded and it is completely an emotional game. And that becomes a foundation where nobody will benefit.

Our specific contention was about food waste. If I am going low carb/low sugar/low fat, not eating certain parts of food (ie. rice, pizza bread, etc) while eating other parts is disrespectful to him. And he “hates people who do that”. And he hates me when I do that.

This is the first time he’s brought it up like that. And he admitted he wasn’t trying nor did he care to understand what I was thinking. And he didn’t believe either person would change their minds, which is totally wrong.

This shows he’s the type of person who is not open to changing their minds very much, especially in a “heated” situation like this. It reminds me of when he was very “butthurt” when he lost at Splendor. He wasn’t interested in learning or improving, he was just filled with negative emotions toward the game and me not going easier or helping him.

And that’s really the crux of the issue. Once he locks into that mode, he can’t get out. He will disregard and be insensitive toward other people’s feelings, become passive aggressive, and deny that he’s doing that things. And he will not listen. In fact, he will just want to end the conversation if he can have it his way.

From here, the best thing I can do is wait for him to cool off and discuss this overarching issue carefully. Perhaps from my POV:

I love you very much, and I want to make things work. If I say or do something that hurts you or that you dislike, I want to understand it so I can find a way that works for us. You can call it “compromise” or “problem-solving”.

Before, in Vegas, I thought you weren’t open to working things out together, which is why I asked about level of seriousness. Turns out you were very serious about us too. But I feel confused from our last conversation. You said you didn’t care how I felt, even if things hurt me or felt insensitive. That was very painful for me.

How do we avoid that in the future?

It seems like he isn’t being genuine with me when we get stuck in that mode. And if that is to continue, it make become a dealbreaker.

I think it’s time to pivot to working out more, better skincare (maybe zap moles?), reconsidering photography, not eating out with him as much (unless he can be OK with my eating style). Sure, there might not be a “better” person for me out there, and that’s fine. I can be single.

I love him, but if we can’t problem solve our differences and come to a place of positivity (constant “last meal” disagreements), I don’t think this is something either of us would want in an official relationship.



My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.