Friends in Gaysian spaces — An Analysis
The way that my friend Adem talks about gaysian social life is very hierarchical, institutional, and social.
But when I think about the core of it, friends should and are people you enjoy hanging out with and who get you. There shouldn’t be constant power games.
I think these social dynamics only come to play when the group starts to get big. And at that point, it often is no longer enjoyable and becomes more about… other things?
I’m trying to analyze the different groups I’ve observed in gaysian world so far:
- 20s Superficial Group:
This group seems more vapid and focused on looks, raving, and travel. The core members are from the same region, had some past dating, and I believe are just bonded from earlier and enjoy doing these trips, bringing in new people once in a while.
They core group is truly friends from before, and I think they keep it up because they enjoy these events together. People trying to join in might highly esteem the fun they have and their looks, but might not actually be “friend-friends”.
Why do they want to expand or invite others in? What do they get from it? Attention? A sense of power/influence/status in the gaysian world?
2. 30s Go-Out Party Group:
There are a few closer groups in this bigger group. It’s centered on couples or close friends/exes. They’re the ones who host things and others will join in. I also do think they just like to party/drink and enjoy each others’ company. And others may invite some friends from time to time.
Inviting others is probably just something they allow and don’t mind, but at the end they’re the core group.
3. 40s Quirky Party Group:
This one is more institutional with 16 years of history partying at the main house. I asked, and someone mentioned there was past drama of course. But it’s obvious the hosts care about building community and value those that appreciate the space they create.
But why? Do they feel like they are doing something good for gaysians, so it’s a “warm glow effect”? Do they feel a need for status? Do they feel lonely? Does this give meaning to them?
Inviting people that they aren’t super close with seems more like a way to show off (I guess, “share” is nicer) the space they’ve created? Maybe it’s for the sake of fun and comraderie?
People who try to get in may be seeking status and social standing as well. Because why try to join an institutional group like this if you aren’t really close friends with anyone already?
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Overall, I think I just have never really been someone to want to “build community” myself, and I’m terrible at keeping it up. ENFJs love to do it, and are great at it.
But I care about it being organic, and I hate dealing with attitude. If you like me and want to hangout with me, and I feel the same, then let’s cut the BS. I’m about genuine connection and wanting to be friends. And I’m about play games and good food.
So what would my community look like if I were to design it?
- Gaysian space: more in common, and a way to stay connected with our identity in this time/place
- Game nights: people who like Blood on the Clocktower and other social deduction games. Party games like Werewords too. Laying off heavy strategy because that’s more quiet/cerebral and less social. Usually BOTC types might not be wanting to socialize as much, but this is about community! It’s hard to find BOTC so we can go more lax at first. I don’t even have a starter for a good friend who likes BOTC. At most Adem? And I myself would need to learn to storytell.
- Dinner parties: Cooking for friends, with chill games afterwards. I see these on social media quite a bit. But it’s just adopting it for people I like. Maybe we can make stuff together. We basically already do this with friends like Loiy and Brenden pizza nights. Potlucks.
- Elevated dinner-game events: Murder mysteries. Designing my own or using one that exists. Doing it for friends I like/care about. Or joining events that do this.
- Escape rooms/experiences: self-explanatory
- Craft/making/creative nights: like making a molded ceramic, painting, or learning how to mix drinks/cook/bake something.
When I look at this list, it is utterly unoriginal. And my inexperienced versions would be awful compared to the ones that already exist.
At the 123 party, they already have some party games, karaoke, and photobooths. That’s like way better than what I would have. And people are drinking and taking their substances of choice.
I guess, if these spaces already exist, there no need to recreate it. That’s why people want to just get a foot in so they can enjoy it too?
Eh, either way, I’m really just a tourist in this world. I’m trying things out.
I think I’m already doing it, and there’s nothing really more to all this than what it already is.
Let’s brainstorm existing friends for this:
- Loiy — Good fit, but lives too far and and is flighty (“I have work” or coming late)
- Dorosy — Quiet, small nights ok. Too many people no. Lives Norcal
- Adem? — Might not be socially “valuable” enough, may disappear after a while, but who wouldn’t ya know?
- Brendan — Same as Dorosy, prefers small. Also lives in SD. Comes up to OC once in a while though.
- Daved — Hard to schedule anything with lol. And can be awkward in not really wanting to hang out long/more.
- Wills — Straight
- Ben-streamer — A bit flighty too, need to build the friendship first.
- Denny G — great fit for it all, just sleeps earlier, might not like bigger groups, and isn’t a gaysian lol
Non-fits: Jemes (no games), Tanh (far, not sure on games, not social), Bryson (doesn’t seem to like games, doesn’t seem very social), Raym (doesn’t seem to like me/want to engage with me lol), Jay (too party/drinky), July (doesn’t seem to like me), Mikh (not sociable/interested in games),
Maybes:
- Daymon (idk if he likes games actually, i’ll ask lol, i actually like Daymon),
- Jimmy likes games (not lying ones though I think?) also Norcal,
- Patti (doesn’t engage with me unless I have something to give, flighty, plays social games, but potential here for growing the relationship)
I guess the problem is, I don’t really have close friends who live near me. And I’m just stuck seeing the more “visual” things on Instagram, like what Adem said.
I think it gave me a useful window, but now that I’m engaging, I have to pivot my image to really attract the right people to me.
The pattern I’m seeing now is that it makes sense why I’ve been so disconnected. I just don’t have people I feel really connected to. Even Adem is just bad at keeping up with texts, even though in person is great, like Yung. But AT LEAST Adem will make efforts to hangout right now. Back then it died down without him revealing why. That’s also the risk, he just disappear after he changes his mind on things.
It’s easier for me to pop into spaces that do the stuff I like (BOTC), and then pop out to do other things I want on my own. And for things where a plus 1 is needed, I can invite people more one-on-one basis.
The thing with bigger groups is that we can do bigger things like a fun social party or a celebration or an experience that requires more people. It’s just odd when a group already has an established dynamic and I try to join. But for the sake of variety and having community to learn/mutually benefit from, I think it’s worth it to keep up, but I need to develop my own closer bonds.