Have I been mistakenly comparing my relationship to others’?

I’m in a vicious cycle of wishing I was with Ray again and trying to move on. I have mental clarity on why it’s not right for us to be together, but the heart wants what it wants.

I think I would be very popular in the dating scene tbh. I’m established and can elevate my looks. I have flaws too: tired easily, don’t like to party/”go out”, frail.

But the point of my post here is if I’ve been mistakenly comparing my relationship with Ray to other relationships that are just not the same?

For example:

• Dorith and Jemie: They are more transactional and fast moving in some ways. Sure they are getting ahead in life, but the pace is too tiring for me, and my body can’t handle all that child-rearing. Maybe if I get together with an ESFJ, but they just wouldn’t have as much depth in thought or intimacy (Ray had only depth in intimacy, which could be “engineered” if I put in more effort)
• Dolores and Mike: I don’t know their relationship as well that much. But I would be able to date Dolores who is constantly hounding me for things or trying to invalidate me.
• Sheldon and Sandy: Sandy seems terrible, saying mean things about Sheldon on camera. But their communication seems good. Still though, these bad things are things Ray would not ever do.

After having some time apart from Ray, I want to revisit the really core bad issues to see if anything can be done. I know Ray might not want to get back together. But I need to do this exercise.

1. Emotional regulation: When he gets mad, there’s no point of return. I would prefer to talk through it, but if he’s not going to make an effort and just be mad, I can’t always be the one initiating to resolve issues. He needs to reach out to fix things when he’s the one getting mad. Especially if I’ve already apologized. Can he do this? I don’t think so. He always gets lazy and forgets, or if he’s still mad, he will not be able to listen.
2. Conflict resolution: He gears discussions toward blame, not solutions. I will have to bear all the burden trying to come up with solutions that he won’t even follow when his emotions take over.
3. Not being able to talk about things: eventually, when things build up, I start to feel like I can’t bring up topics, and then the communication completely breaks down.

When I lay these out over and over, it becomes clear that I can’t date him unless he really does do a lot of work on himself. Yes, I love love love him so much, and there’s so much depth to our feelings (really, it’s magic). But we are doomed to fail over and over.

I might feel sad, lonely, etc. I might miss him so much. And even if I don’t have kids, I would still feel miserable and imbalanced in life.

I want to rethink what I want out of life before I get involved in a relationship and child creation.