I found out my ex cheated on me — my reality is collapsing
I found out today that Ray had cheated on me for at least 3 weeks before we broke up.
I’m very thankful to the guy he cheated on me with for sharing this. I went to SD to investigate it, and he shared more than I needed. I saw the DM’s from Ray to him on 8/5 with my own eyes.
What comes next, is a re-evaluation of my reality. I had a totally wrong view. I eventually had hints that Ray as hiding things, but our entire relationship was based on the premise that he would never cheat, because his life trauma is based on his ex-girlfriend cheating on him and committing suicide.
I checked the message from Ray to me on 8/5 and on. He was still calling me “love” and saying that he loved me very much. I did not realize he was such a despicable liar and cheater.
He’s always so self-righteous. But I think he was always afraid to face himself and his mistakes. Anytime he felt blamed, he needed to stop talking about it, thinking about it. I knew he had no self-control over his emotions. Now I know he had no self-control over his libido. It was a natural transitive property equation, but I trusted him too much.
His distrust of me and disbelief in me stemmed from his own truth of cheating on me and having that capacity.
But I did not trust my first impressions, my initial interpretations of him, enough. And from now on, I will.
What playing Blood on the Clocktower taught me is that my social read of people is usually fucking accurate. Sure, we can confirm things with facts and evidence, but people will lie, people have different motives and “win conditions”. And if I get a confident read, I’m usually right about something.
I think a part of me really does hate Ryo for treating me so terribly and wasting my time. Did he think that because I trusted him with my net worth and was doing a bunch of my own stuff, that I DESERVED to be cheated on? Well, it doesn’t matter. He’d be wrong.
I have small urges to seek revenge — I would never though.
But all that fondness I had for him is turning black real fast. What I thought were similar values are just lies from him.
I won’t take statements from people that aren’t proven/explained/well-supported anymore. If people can’t explain themselves, that either means they’re lying or they’re bad communicators. I will not accept either.
I was naive, foolish, and placed my trust in the wrong person. It was a very big bet, and a very big mistake. Big risk, big reward right? Will big risk also means… big risk.
Even though thought of “getting back” on him run through my mind, I know he’s going to have more struggles ahead anyway. He’ll never have a healthy relationship, and he’s already 38. So, let him be him. He doesn’t need my saving. And he doesn’t deserve. And he won’t accept anyone’s “saving” anyway. He used me, he played me, and now he’s gone.
Good riddance, and I’m fully free to be what I want, wheneve and wherever I want. Fuck you Ray. Yea, I fucked you a lot. And it was fucking great for me. Now, your turn to fuck yourself and be miserable. Bye.
