I get fixated on things

My Secret Notebook
3 min readApr 16


I think what makes me “demanding” in relationships is that I get fixated on things. And if that thing becomes a character trait of a partner or person of interest or just platonic friend even, then I can get really anal about it.

But the question comes down to: is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I think it leaves me with fewer friends; basically, people who can tolerate me lol. But it also helps me be more “free” — free from the BS and non-tolerating people who I don’t give a shit about.

The right answer is usually a little bit of both; and that’s probably the case here.

I can’t really stop fixating until I just completely forget (hard bc I’m fixated lol), or until I find an answer and resolve it. This goes hand in hand with learning to “let go”, which I still can’t control or be able to do, especially in a relationship where I care too much lol.

So when someone asks about my weakness, I guess the answer is fixation or “being too engaged” (better business answer lol!). The better “weakness” is that I can be very direct and that I’ve been working on softening the directness for people who prefer different styles of communication. LOL. okay, enough.

Problem: fixation

Solution: I don’t know.

Possible solutions?

  1. don’t care as much (how though?): by eliminating the source of the fixation from my life (just cutting it out) or making it less of a priority/investment.
  2. choose something else to fixate on: and sort of let #1 happen too?

I don’t know. I hate being fixated on worrying about my relationshiop.

Yeah, that’s what’s happening now. I’m worried about the future where we don’t grow and we encounter the same “traumatizing” experience for me. Yes, it’s a bit self-centered, but what the hell, this is a private journal, I’ll just be honest.

I’m afraid Roy is going to go into “mean mode” and just really hurt me again in the future by drawing distances with his language, being closed minded, and not putting effort into making things work, coming up with solutions, or trying to give me the benefit of the doubt.

And then for him to say I’m doing that when I’ve been putting a lot of effort. If he truly believes that, then we really should stop our romance. If my efforts are being seen as nothing, and we keep talking about the same things, that means it will continue that way in the future. Better stop right now, before we waste more time.

As humans, we have finite time, and I know I won’t mull over this. Sure he is hot, attractive, caring, and considerate in many physical elements, but that can completely disappear and become unreliable once he has an emotional outburst. And that is extremely shocking and traumatic for me. I’d rather be single forever and just have hired hands take care of other things in the future instead of stupidly anticipating these things to happen.

I’m inching near the last straw, and it’s really not good. I don’t like it, and he probably doesn’t like it either. He’s getting a new job soon, and he’ll have even more reason to live his life and do whatever he wants. And that’s great for him; if that helps him realize more reason to slack off and leave me, then do it sooner than later please.



My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.