I just found myself saying this to myself. It was a subconscious Freudian at best and a cognitive utterance at worst.
In the moment, I was thinking about a couple of things:
- Babies. How it is going to take so long before I can have surrogate babies (to pay for them, to retire or semi-retire early, to be in a stable place relationship wise if that were how they’re raised), it’s tiring thinking it’ll be so long and also tiring thinking about how tired I’ll be with them
- Boy. How he’s so slow in moving things forward, in grabbing what he wants in life, and how he isn’t really a motivated go-getter. Yes, I love him, but I eventually want to start a family. Will he be a good parent, will he even want kids/to parent, and will we be a match down the line?
- Work. Work is annoying and it’s been giving me a semi chronic stress that’s just always there. It’s taking too long to get what I want from work.
When all these add up and I zoom out and extrapolate, I’m not sure I’m seeing what I want.
Which begs the question: what do I want to see when I zoom out?
- I want to retire early semi-comfortably. This might be doable in 5–7 years, which maybe is too long?
- I want to be healthy and strong to enjoy life and my children.
- I want to have 2–3 healthy children. I want to have close relationships with them and foster their growth in the best way for them.
- I want to explore the world with my loved ones. Maybe this is more costly and will require me to keep working? But spending time with kids is more important.