“I hate my life”

My Secret Notebook
2 min readMay 2


I just found myself saying this to myself. It was a subconscious Freudian at best and a cognitive utterance at worst.

In the moment, I was thinking about a couple of things:

  1. Babies. How it is going to take so long before I can have surrogate babies (to pay for them, to retire or semi-retire early, to be in a stable place relationship wise if that were how they’re raised), it’s tiring thinking it’ll be so long and also tiring thinking about how tired I’ll be with them
  2. Boy. How he’s so slow in moving things forward, in grabbing what he wants in life, and how he isn’t really a motivated go-getter. Yes, I love him, but I eventually want to start a family. Will he be a good parent, will he even want kids/to parent, and will we be a match down the line?
  3. Work. Work is annoying and it’s been giving me a semi chronic stress that’s just always there. It’s taking too long to get what I want from work.

When all these add up and I zoom out and extrapolate, I’m not sure I’m seeing what I want.

Which begs the question: what do I want to see when I zoom out?

  1. I want to retire early semi-comfortably. This might be doable in 5–7 years, which maybe is too long?
  2. I want to be healthy and strong to enjoy life and my children.
  3. I want to have 2–3 healthy children. I want to have close relationships with them and foster their growth in the best way for them.
  4. I want to explore the world with my loved ones. Maybe this is more costly and will require me to keep working? But spending time with kids is more important.



My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.