My Secret Notebook

May 16, 2021

2 min read

I lived a life people would be jealous of, but…

Honestly, I’ve lived. I had a happy childhood, a loving mother, and experienced the full high school she-bang— elected class president, toxic high school drama, first love, acceptance into Ivy Leagues… a dream experience.

I’ve immersed myself into organized religion, experienced death of a loved one, and been best man at my cousin’s wedding as well as a groomsman at my best friend’s wedding.

I’ve had boyfriends, I’ve had sex. And I’ve made out with hot guys.

I’ve purchased homes. And I’ve traveled — Japan, Taiwan, Argentina, Spain, Iceland, Dominican Republic, Cabo, etc.

I’ve had a threesome, fucked a masked stranger at a sex club, and been to gay saunas.

I’ve had a biological child and seen my niece walk for the first time.

I’ve kept a YouTube channel going for almost a year (and still going), posting heartfelt content I care about, and getting over 30K views.

And I’ve written music that people have asked to buy, that has been rearranged and performed all over the world. I’ve written lyrics that have been painted on walls.

It’s been a life many would love to live. And yet, I find myself focusing on “more”. It’s not your typical “more” of pursuing career advancement. No, I wish I was a hotter guy, had more perseverance to launch another YT channel, had more strength/health/youth to do more extreme things and make more friends. To break through and make a big impact.

Because still, even though it’s been an amazing experience that I am so thankful for, I haven’t done anything big in terms of a world impacting level. I haven’t scaled anything that has reached a national level, in terms of influence.

My ambition is fickle. My motivation is spotty. I remain, after all, a single gay man, glued to his chair, behind many screens. Skinny, glasses, and delicate. Watching anime, shows, movies, and YouTube videos. Eating snacks. And sleeping. Working an 9 to 5.

I’m playing safe mode. And I know I lack the stamina to play hard mode.

Yes, I’m grateful. Yes, I thank God for everything. But it’s not wrong to want to reach for more, right? It’s not wrong to want to give it my all, right? I think that’s what I need to do. Get off my ass and give it my all.