“I think it’s a good time to call it quits”
Those were my last words before Ray hung up on me just now. I think he prefers a nasty breakup. He doesn’t want hope. He wants rage. And rage will be what keeps us apart, and him feeling justified.
We both felt like we weren’t listening to each other. And we both tried. And honestly, we tried enough already. He asked for last chance, and today in the ER when I needed him, he fucking went off. Yes, I didn’t like how he said certain things, and I’ll get into all that. But I said it wasn’t going to work out. And he pushed me, so I said to call it quits.
I can’t always be playing the blame game with him. Whenever I try to communicate with him and explain how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking, he takes it personally, gets defensive, and escalates.
But he got nasty on the call today, and I called him out for it. And he hung up. I apologized, but he reminded me that I said it’s not gonna work out, and how that’s way worse than stuff he said like how he feels our convos go no where.
I guess I’m just rambling. But deep down, I know that I can’t co-parent with him, I can’t trust him with finances, and I don’t feel safe around him emotionally. If he’s in a bad mood, all bets are off.
Even when he’s “trying really hard”, it still fucking sucks!
We both lost patience today, and we had a good month of trying again. And it’s a no go.
I’m never going to let myself be so disrespected again in a relationship. I kept accommodating to his needs and tantrums, but whenever he “accomodates”, he’s always complaining. I cannot be with a complainer, at least no with one who complains when I believe there is not right to complain.
Let bygones be bygones. Yes, I love him a lot. But I don’t need to date him. And we’re both so stressed from today.
I used to see him as someone who could potentially be by my side and support me. But I know that he’s someone who can’t let me point anything out without exploding on me emotionally. And my therapist (only 2 visits) helped me see that more clearly.
I was willing to accept a lot of things before, but honestly, the lack of safety, parental material, and philosophical alignment on things is not going to change.
Let him thrive in his rage. It will amount to nothing, to be honest. Maybe he’ll try to get back at me. How much of mine can he really destroy? If he wants something from me, he can fucking have it. I still love him.
I think something changed in my mind too after my talk with my therapist. I realized I needed to make a decision. And seeing that even after ALL our convos and him feeling like they go no where, they’ve actually gone no where. Yes, I do blame it on him. And I’m not going to keep babying him.
Sure, I have a lot of faults myself and sensitivities. But I need to talk it out, and I need someone who is aligned on that. And I don’t care if I find that someone or not. I’m fine just disappearing forever and living a more secluded stress-free life.
Malaysia, Columbia, Mexico, Portugal. I dream of just living there a few months at a time. Maybe I’ll finally do it. After I get over this terrible time.
I still have the chest discomfort and anxiety.
Honestly, I hated this breakup. I wish it was nicer, but he doesn’t want me to have that. I get it. That’s fine. I don’t want him coming back. I really don’t. I loved that he wouldn’t cheat on me and that sex was amazing. And that we were both cuddlers and likes a slower pace. But that’s not enough for a serious relationship.
I’m getting rid of negative energy and stress this year. It hasn’t happened… yet, but maybe it will now.
Honestly, if he couldn’t this ER trip, we aren’t going to be a successful relationship. Did I fuck up today? Maybe I was being to direct and making a deal out of things (that I really actually do feel matter, but less holding back), and he hated all of them. But even if I’m in the ER, no patience at all! I cannot. I cannot. I cannot!
But yeah, I love him, and I’d need a clean cutoff if I’m going to move on. Anyway, no more rambling. More writing tomorrow. I should just sleep.
