I was rejected… again

The pandemic has brought me rejection upon rejection.

In the first 6 months, I texted a handsome interior designer everyday, then we met and I made him cum in the back of my car. Soon, I asked if he’d like to be my boyfriend, and he said no. He said he wasn’t going to date until he was 40. He was 24.

In the last 8.5 months, I’ve been fucking a handsome Japanese guy Roy. He’s great in bed. And we’ve been texting everyday even though he kind of sucks at texting sometimes.

Last night, I asked him, “Are you interested in dating me?” He paused for the longest 10 seconds in my life and responded, “I don’t know.” Pause. “I don’t think I’m ready yet.”

As much as he says it’s really about him, I was able to get him to fess up that he, in fact, doesn’t like me enough to “ignore” his priorities, which currently are: job, moving out, and mental health.

Honestly, that’s fair. But it’s just sad.

He hugged and cuddled me for hours, so I think that helped ease the pain. But at the end of the day, this puts me in a precarious situation. He asked me if this changes things, and said that it wouldn’t on his end. Again, him always putting the ball in the others’ court/being passive.

It’s the definitive time to reevaluate everything. Pros, cons, and next steps.

Here are my options: stop seeing him, start seeing other people while seeing him (and tell him), OR, more likely: work out a lot and then when I’m ready to date again tell him I’m going to start seeing other people. At that time, he’ll have a chance to date me again, or if I’ve already moved on from that part of my life, then he won’t have that chance anymore. The mean time will also be a time for him to get his job/moving out situation sorted out.

Here are the pros of being with Roy:

1. He’s handsome, cute.
2. He’s good in bed.
3. He drives to me.
4. He let’s me pick places and follows along.
5. He values close friends/family.
6. He is unlikely to cheat/leave.
7. He is hot/has swag.
8. He is clean.
9. He is sort of funny sometimes.
10. He can be affectionate.
11. We don’t fight/argue (it’s not toxic and there aren’t lingering issues).

Here are the cons of being with Roy:

1. He’s bad at texting usually (but can be responsive just curt).
2. He’s not out to his friends and isn’t keen on meeting new people.
3. He doesn’t like me as much as I like him.
4. He doesn’t plan or initiate.
5. He doesn’t have a creative/imaginative mind (relatively).
6. His sense of humor is limited when crossed with mine.
7. He doesn’t like to explore shops.
8. He is picky/doesn’t like a lot of things.
9. He is slow (in moving along with life/plans)
10. He doesn’t have many common interests (board games, etc)

Here are other “cons” that don’t affect my decision making:

1. He’s short (5'4"?)
2. He is in a career change (I’d be the one with more assets/income)
3. He has social anxiety/anxiety in general (takes Lexapro)

If you look at the pros, 5 are like superficial, 1 is values, and 5is personality-ish. For the cons, they’re all personality-ish lol.

If he liked me enough to date me, we’d be dating, but I have to believe his rejection, as much as his kisses seem to tell me otherwise. I have to accept this.

At the end of the day, I want to be with someone I consistently enjoy in bed as much as with Roy, who I get along with daily as much as with Roy, and who has as low of a likelihood to leave me as Roy.

But I also want to grow and get on with life. I also want that more fulfilling part of nurturing a relationship and having a family.

I guess the fearing is having neither. I’m not ready to leave Roy with no regrets.

Time to gain 25 pounds of muscle again.