My Secret Notebook
4 min readJun 20, 2022


I went to the Getty for the first time today with Ku, Amber, and Sydney. Then afterwards, we went to Midoh restaurant where we met up with Jon.

Overall, the hangout leaves me feeling wanting for more. It’s not really fulfilling socially for me. Where’s the deeper connection, the discovery, the bonding. Where’s the mental stimulation.

I mean, I enjoyed the art and it was fun making jokes, and even convos with Sydney were not too bad. We talk about goals, past, trauma, etc. But overall, them 3 have a semi-clique that Ku was pretty quick to point out and establish. And idk, I’m just not vibing with his quick-to-say-no when people ask things, especially me. Or favoritism. I hate that.

Jon, I think is kind of cute tbh and smart. But I also saw him a story with Adam and other gays at the beach, and it made me wonder if he’s just more interested in having fun and living life. Doesn’t feel like he’s really had and sought deeper relationships? Idk.

The one hard benefit of going out is getting my mind off Roy. The second benefit is just getting a dose of socializing, which helps me not feel cabin fever from being at home so much.

Honestly, I often leave socials feeling not fulfilled. I only really fully enjoy cuddling with Roy, having introspective convos with Wills, or having a smart laugh with Devid Fen. Otherwise, I’d rather be in my room scheming my next random project.

But being couped up isn’t healthy, so I’m “forcing” myself to get more balance, much to my dissatisfaction. Where can I find higher quality socials? I know short-lived dating hasn’t really done it for me in the past either. I think I need someone who loves the projects I work on. Someone to commit to a goal with me. Someone I love being around. IDK.

Even now I’m feeling “needy”, and channeling this energy into journaling here. Because really, writing helps me put thought into concrete words, it helps me define where I stand. And then, that gives me a starting point for where to go.

I’m losing interest in my side projects: youtube, chicken, wait.. that’s it. lol. Even game making is taking a huge backseat. I want fun and excitement. I want to become hot and build up my IG again. But I want to infuse my IG with more. More excitement and variety and accessories. I want to really make it pop.

I want to gain more muscle and define my abs like the Merriam Webster.

It’s my stupid predictable summer phase. AMIRITE!? I would never want this in the damn winter.

But the whole truth is that I failed. I failed at running my YT channel, I failed at pushing through my chicken idea. I don’t think it’s in me — I really don’t have that grit. And I’m not gonna lie.

I sometimes think… maybe I should seek a rich guy. But that’s really against my “principles” and even my natural match. It’s a stupid idea. It’s a cop out. Only if my partner happens to be rich will this ever work. Because I already know I can’t date someone only for that.

I’ve accepted Roy isn’t going to become dating material ever. And I’m slowly transitioning him into someone I don’t have strong feelings for — someone I can physically enjoy as I become more hot. Maybe even talk to guys long distance and foster that for a while. He was getting top treatment: insight into my mind, full honesty, my consideration, hope. He doesn’t want what comes with it, and that’s fine. I’m retiring that level of top treatment.

That’s what I do: “just make new friends”. I’m not banking on it, but I think I need to be around more inspo. Conventions, gaming, ACTION.

Yknow, Solomon’s right. Everything is a chasing after the wind. We should just enjoy life lol. But maybe it’s also time to just shift gears and think about what’s meaningful. I mean a revolving theme has been FAMILY.

I oscillate between wanting kids and a family, and feeling exhausted at just thinking about how they’ll leave me and be super hard to take care of/be patient around. I need a super warm and caring partner to really take on that challenge. Someone who sees the good in me and becomes an example of that. But that’s really intrusive to who I really am, isn’t it? Also, think of the health toll sigh. The stress… What is the benefit? A “loyal” group of my own? (I mean, there’s no guarantee of loyalty). Such wishful dreaming.

Maybe I should just create my own group?? Ugh I suck at that. And how would I even find people for that? My own board gaming group? I can just host it at home?

Okay, let’s think. People closeby, people who like board games. Hm. I just gotta meet more ppl.

My next venture really is that IG + IG editing YT. Lol, I’m always dropping old ideas like flies. But honestly. I’m the type to just return all my chicken stuff tomorrow, and start new.

I’ll keep seeing Ku and them, but I’m sick of BS. If the quality of the hangouts don’t really deepen, I might just not show up as much.

I need… to TRAVEL.



My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.