My Secret Notebook

Jul 3, 2021

3 min read

I’m a complex person, and I need to be appreciated and liked for that.

A boy likes me, but only knows a small part of me.

There’s a guy I’m talking to, let’s call him Josh. He already said he likes me, and I told him I’m not looking for something serious. He said he was down to be friends. I mean he has continued being flirty and invited me to a lot of stuff, and we’ve only hung out once!

I told him that he doesn’t know me that well yet, and he said I was nice and have opened up to him — and that was enough.

Really? Well, I honestly like it when guys are more curious about me and appreciate me for my complexities, for all of who I am, and not just the little they know about me.

If a relationship is built on a partial picture of me, there is higher risk of things not working out.

On my social media presence (IG basically), I’ve been trying to showcase more of my quirkier sides so that people are liking me for more of who I am and not my old polished Christian innocent image I used to fear deviating from.

What makes me complex: compartmentalization.

Upon further thought, I realized that my complexity stems in part from how I compartmentalize so much of myself.

I have yet to really understand why I do this fully. It can be lateral partitions as well as layers (going deeper and deeper on the same topics).

In terms of “lateral” compartmentalization, that means different sides of my that exist that are somewhat less related: my varying interests for example. Real estate, politics, Myers Briggs, writing, board games, ghibli films, isekai animes, bathhouse curiosities, roleplay ideas, etc.

There are so many random things I am curious about, but coming on strong in all of these would often result in people being turned off because they cannot relate. They often cannot relate to how I have so many random interests, and they cannot relate to the niche/esoteric ones. So I really just keep it simple sometimes so that I’m not boring people.

In terms of deeper layers, a good example is my thoughts on people and social situations. I am naturally analyzing people and events. I will usually construct theories based on connections I make and patterns I observe. Sometimes they will be offensive, unexpected, conspiratorial-sounding, or unpopular. I like to let the connections I make based on objective observations tell the story instead of some personal intention grabbing facts to build a biased story.

I realized I sound really antagonizing sometimes when I am bringing a case against someone, so maybe there is some bias sometimes when it’s about someone who has ill intent against me. But I am always open minded to something I may have misunderstood or misinterpreted.

And yes, the picture (which is constantly growing and changing) I have of someone has been wrong before. I call this the NPC version of a person in my mind. And when this version is proven wrong, it can really shake me up.

Anyway, layers. I usually won’t reveal all the deep meta analysis I have of people and socials. And I will portray the me that is more acceptable and amicable that doesn’t reveal I have any deeper knowledge or understanding that what is open given or intended.

Sometimes I forget what I’m hiding (ie. my secret analyses vs what is supposed to be obvious to everyone), and I can seem crafty/hiding something. So I try to just be as open as I can nowadays.

But still, some personal theories/analyses can be offensive, so I tread with caution. And these are often additional layers of my opinions of people/things that I only share with a few. I think my wish is to find friends who can understand me at this level. That I’m not ill-willed. And for them to appreciate this deeper side of me and to engage with it.

But again, both lateral and vertical compartmentalization means I am usually showing just a simplified/incomplete version of myself to others. I always have separate side projects, ideas, and new curiosities I explore. And those always have even deeper roots that people are unlikely to see, know, or even expect.

So for a boy to like me for seeing a super small percent of me, makes me feel like he doesn’t truly like me for who I am. I am complex, and I need someone to like me for the complexity that I am.