I’m feeling anxious right now
I’m feeling a tinge of emotional anxiety right now. I think it’s driven by:
- being tired from travel
- having frotted with a chubby white guy
- not getting a response from kelen
- stuff related to Ray that’s been happening
1 — Just got back from vegas from Clocktower Con. Just physical tiredness.
2 — This may be because I am just confused about why I did that and maybe I am feeling weird about it even though it was fun and consenting.
3 — I always thought Kelen was cute/hot. He’s been a bit drier looking and is fuckin’ 11 years younger than I am. So freakin’ lay off the neediness here ok? Lol.
4 — Ray was apparently in a fight in Japan on Wednesday and ended up at the hospital. I tried to emotionally blackmail Daniel (new guy he cheated on me with) to get screenshots, which resuled in 1 screenshot, but I kept asking for more. And I think it has backfired. He’s not giving me anymore info or screenshots. I did get a text from Ray’s boss saying he didn’t go to work. I made excuses for him and end a professional text that does buy him time. I was going to share with Daniel, but I think Daniel is stone-walling me and doesn’t trust me anymore. I don’t care. That’s his choice. I have my own goals/motives and I’ve been clear about them. I want the screenshots for myself. And Daniel can help me. So I’ll share in exchange for screenshots. If he questions my motives and wants to stonewall, he can make his own decisions.
Okay, by reading all of that, it seems like maybe #4 is the one that it taking up more headspace than the other things? Either way, my body is tired but restless. And I should just force quit and sleep.
// Okay, I checked Daniel’s messages with me again, and he read my message 45 min ago, and it posting stories basically implying that I’m being manipulative and lying. It’s true, I’ve been manipulative, but I haven’t lied. I asked for “screenshots” and he did not provide them. He says if I really wanted to help I would’ve. I truly am neutral. And I have my own things I need that honestly are more important. Sure, I’m using a more manipulative approach because I don’t feel like I’m going to get what I want. Either way, he already doesn’t trust me, and I am neutral about it all. I got a screenshot out of it, and maybe I should’ve given a bit of information before asking for more. But he wasn’t even trying to negotiate. I do feel bad, I made it seem like I was going to give him what he wants right away. Eh whatever.
