I’m getting too focused on money

My Secret Notebook
3 min readDec 31, 2022

This past month, I’ve been too overly focused on trying to increase my compensation. I think that’s because I’ve been trying to reach my goals of raising kids (getting them through expensive surrogacy, since I’m gay) and simultaneously retiring early if possible.

And money is basically the only thing stopping me.

But I’m forgetting to live in the here and now. I’m forgetting to dream bigger.

My friend Dorothy asked me what my “higher truth” is, and what my “calling” was. Good questions to think about how to live life. I have similar angles of asking/approaching life as well.

I think it’s a great time, new years eve, to dig deeper on this, and kick aside financial worries for now. I still have that parable where the guy who kept storing riches dies the next day, and is considered foolish, in the Bible. And I don’t want that. Obviously.

Higher truth: I fell back to the ENTP existential nihilism/fatalism, and how we should just do what makes us personally happy and not worry about what others think because nothing matters in the grand scheme. I think that’s def it for me lol — way to be unoriginal. Let’s revisit this.

Calling: I didn’t have an answer for this at the time. Later, I thought it might be to be a benevolent ruler and/or a close advisor to the benevolent dictator/ruler.

But it’s time to dig deeper: dreams. Dreaming as big as I can.

I want…

I want to be completely financially free to do whatever I want everyday: sleep in, hangout with friends, socialize, exercise, explore.

If my schedule was completely clear, I would actually probably wake up earlier, go explore some shops, and make board game friends to play games with. I’d try to build on those friendships (probably with people who also don’t work lol).

Alternatively, I might sink into phases of sleeping in, jerking off, and watching lots of shows/animes.

And that’s honestly about it. If no money restraints, I’d fly comfortable first class trips and stay at nice hotels and chill/explore.

I would get inspired with new ideas, and probably get excited to meet people who are smart/curious/fast thinking. I’d try to participate more in that kind of scene.

And then, I might just completely ditch it and do something else. That’s freedom.

But is that how I’d play life. Say it’s a full simulation. What would I do?

Maybe run for office? Work at a crazy company? Become a porn producer? Try to become a porn director? Start an improv group? Become a comedy writer? Get plastic surgery and try to be famous?

I think I might try all of those things?

It’s also all very tiring. And I also want a warm family and “legacy”. Visiting my donor children and bringing up kids.

But I have not been dreaming bigger. What exactly is bigger?? These are all things people do already. How do I break out of the mold completely?

Become an artist? Create some crazy insane pieces?? “never before done” spectacles??

Oh I kind of want to buy my childhood home, and my cousin’s childhood home lol! I guess that’s a very Si kind of move.

Build a museum about my life to commemorate me LOL!

Maybe I just focus on the comp and the guy I like right now, while I figure out if I have any bigger dreams I’m ready to delve into.

I already tried a lot of ideas I had, and I got bored with all of them: chicken idea, muffin powder, youtubes, insta, jewelry (on-going), and more. I mean they’re fun for a while, and some are ongoing (ie. yotutube rarely, insta here and there, etc). But I just get bored/tired of it, and I’m ready for the next lol. Sigh.

I feel like it’s 80% out of my system: my random ideas lol, but I also have to realize it’s just me. I have to keep doing random projects. And I will get new ones all the time. Literally every year, I’m working on a new project, several.

I already know improv/musical improv isn’t long term. It’s so sad. Well, maybe I’ll find someone to energize me, but it’s not fair if I’m not also energizing others? Anyway.. I’m kind of tired. I’ll rethink this later.



My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.