I’m so tired

My Secret Notebook
1 min readApr 9, 2024

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I’m so physically tired. I feel like I shouldn’t have broke up with Ray today, but I did. And I half regret half don’t regret it.

I’ve been waking up sometimes in a good mood thinking about him and his dog. But when I think about the future, it’s bleak. I can’t see us living together successfully, parenting successfully, or even being in safe, healthy relationship.

I fucking DO want a healthy relationship.

But my heart is so worn down by the arguments and the shock from breaking up. The “negative” breakup that he wants me to leave with. He doesn’t want a positive end, that’s not his thing. I believe.

I can’t have him asking to come back, it’s too hard to say no.

He already said he’d do anything. And he says he really tried. And I think he did too. But we were still in these terrible fights.

It’s sad, but I lost faith. I no longer believed he could improve. And I was tired of wishing for it.

Most people suck, and over time, most people suck for relationships too, even people who seem great at first. Relationships deteriorate if you don’t try and put work into it.

And I’m also always trying to evolve. But I’m a little bitch, and I need someone who can handle me a bit more. Anywho. I’m fucking tired.

Let me sleep, and then let’s see what happens. Ok?

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My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.