Life Evaluation: April 2022

It’s time for a life evaluation/reflection. Main topics for me:

1. Finances/Projects
2. Relationship/Love
3. Future/Children

Starting with the first, Finances/Projects.

I’ve been struggling with motivation/energy to edit videos. I have lots of ideas I want to do, but producing and editing feel like a drag. I don’t like giving feedback either. I wish I had a powerful producer/editor, but that’s out of my cost range.

I am also wanting to create a stronger income engine but I can’t seem to find better options. I keep thinking about my marinated meat delivery business idea, but that’s also years in the making, would be demanding, and would be risky.

Perhaps some kind of ecommerce that can become passive? Like Thomas’ headphone business. Idk tbh. It may be worth a try, but I do want to keep my free time to self-development and my YT right now. I look at Rob Anderson or Antony Chen or Kelly Wakasa, and they are killin’ it. But I’m struggling to just edit small segments of a video. I’m lacking the long-term “grit” to grind.

I already have small success. I need to take hold of it. This is supposed to be my next 3–5 years of building something. Is there something else I’d rather be doing? Will I regret focusing on this? Or will I regret more just taking it easy? I don’t know tbh. Sometimes I mentally just need a long break lol.

Next, Relationship/Love.

I’ve been seeing Roy for over 6 months. It’s safe to say we like each other. But I struggle to find compatibility on the mental level. And some things kind of worry me like his random outburst of pettiness at a Karen, his loose moral stance on minor fraud (idk if he’s joking), his lack of introspection, his lack of foresight, and his lack of interest in deeper/abstract/theoretical discussions. Also, his insults and curt messages irk me.

But he does seem to have long-term material, seems to have good values, and is great in bed.

I’m just too tired and hopeless to think about dating other people. Tbh, it seems more likely I’d be single if I didn’t end up with him. Which is not right to say as I often also tell myself it’s possible to find a partner at age 35 or so. But, idk if he even would fare well as a parent. And we’d struggle to finance children.

And if we stayed without children, he seems to hate adventure and traveling lol. So, what kind of fun would we have?? What would life together even look like? Would it be too boring? Would that cause it to fall apart?

For now, we keep at it, but I don’t want any regrets, yknow?

Lastly, Future/Children.

I’ll have 2 biological kids via being a donor already. Do I really need more children? I constantly read up on foster care, adoption, being a single dad, nannies/au pairs, and cost of raising kids. At least, last night and today was a revisit of that.

And I’m definitely not ready at this moment to give up my cushy family-living situation. I also don’t see bringing a baby to this house to be very considerate though.

What I want out of being a parent is a close relationship with my kids, family gatherings, and a potential for legacy. Maybe also the pride of being a good parent? And being remembered and loved.

But the thought of nursing babies is quite exhausting. Nannies are expensive too. And the beginning of that would mean losing these 2 things: time for projects/self and living at home with family.

I want to just be retired before having kids. But I don’t think that’ll be feasible given the high cost of children, plus surrogacy if I do that.

I think realistically, I should save $250–350K in cash/stocks first. Then begin surrogacy. I currently have $80-$90K. Lol that’s more than I thought, I just checked. So I’d be on track to save enough in 3–5 years, when I’m 35–37.

At that point, whoever I’m seeing, I’ll initiate a conversation about children. Or, I will decide to go at it alone.

Is that when I’ll move out? My main concern is food and other costs. At that time, my dad will be 68–70. He will have begun his survivor’s SSA benefits and by 70, his SSA benefits.

If I’m single, perhaps I just have a discussion with my uncle/aunt like 1–2 months before the baby is born. And if they aren’t okay with it, I prepare to move out?

Tbh, that’s kind of fast tracking it. In my mind 5–8 more years, like closer to age 40 if when I’m thinking to start all this.

I’m just scared that my tiredness and laziness will prevent me from my projects in the meantime.

Do I push on ahead? Or do I change strategy? Is there even a better strategy at this moment? Nothing comes to mind. Push on ahead I suppose…

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Here are my goals:

1. Grow my YouTube
2. Create and sell 1 game
3. Build finances to have surrogate twins (or separate) in 5–7 years ($250-$350K).

SENSIBLE Surrogacy Agency Prices

Did some more reading, and it looks like if I want a baby by 40, I should start the process 2–3 years before that, as that’s how long it took others (minimum 6 mo). That means, have a partner by 35, start searching by 37.