Life Reflection/Evaluation

It’s only been 1.5 months since my last life evaluation, so technically it hasn’t been super long at all. But things are moving faster these days as I socialize with gays, so I am ready for an eval.

Today, I’m going to evaluate and reclarify:

1. Social Life and where it’s going
2. Living Situation and next steps/next plans
3. Work Situation
4. Relationships
5. Travel
6. Who I want to be, where I want to be

— — Here we go — -

1. Social Life

I’ve refocused to tapering from the rave/drug life. I have enough connections to keep busy with my 1 on 1s, occassional larger gatherings, and Blood on the Clocktower.

If anything, I want to decrease some 1 on 1s to make room for future dating.

Here are people I want to focus on:

• Denny G — He is putting a lot of effort into the relationship, and I still think he’s a good person. He is well-connected to drag world, but he doesn’t invite me any group things. I invited him to BOTC though, so I wonder if that will lead to some reciprocation. My world is growing through BOTC and by making friends like Denny, my “drag” social world is growing too. I don’t care to over-extend but will, if there is a good friend match like Denny.
• Adem — Adem is a key player in my gay social world. I kind of don’t like it that way, but I also like some things about him. He’s witty, quick, smart, and funny. He’s someone familiar to me, and he so far is giving me invites and attention. He is leading a BOTC planning (which can seem like he’s stepping over K-Chi), and makes sure we have something on the books in the next 1–2 weeks. This can seem opportunistic, that he’s using me to build his social gay world and access drag “celebrities”. I don’t want to feel like I need to keep up with my friendship with K-Chi just to offer this value. And I won’t just for that. He can give off clout-chasing vibes, but overall, the outcomes, connections, invites, and matches in mental compatibility are keeping this relationship going. Perhaps we both see inevitable ends or pauses, and that might be the looming feeling I have with him sometimes. It was known from the start though — his hot and cold, his relationship cutoffs, his rather transactional vibes.
• K-Chi — I think we are now in enough social crossovers. She’s redirected some of her social focus I think, but we have a good enough base friendship. I can’t be the one putting in more effort all the time, so after the LNY party in 2 days, I might reach out once more to hang, and if she isn’t really letting up, I might let this relationship take a back seat. There are just mismatches in pacing/vibe/depth/security in our interactions and relationships. She’s been a wonderful benefactor in many ways though, so I will always appreciate her and be happy to support and go to things she plans, esp BOTC. But for a closer day-to-day friendship, I don’t think she is looking for that.
• Patrick — I think I will play pickleball with him and his friends. This is intended to be for exercise. But if he wants to extend this to boardgames and BOTC, I will be interested. He has kind of blown me off or shown that I don’t stand high on his rank of friends, so I am also not going to push or put super effort into this.
• Asef — I like Asef. He does have his quirks and obliviousness and frugality that can be a mismatch, but he is putting in effort and showing interest. I used to (and maybe kind of still do?) have a little crush, but I think a good friendship is good next step.
• Derek — Derek is a lifelong friend for sure. We will still be this way whether we hang out a lot or not. I do want to invest more in our relationship, perhaps more events and “double dates” with him. He’s always on my side I feel. And I can appreciate him more.
• Dorosy — I enjoy my time with Dorosy, but she kind of gave a BS reason about not being responsive on FB messages. Great mental match, but she’s just not in the gay social circles.
• Lindsy — I think he liked me back then. Now, I can see attractive traits: lips, smile, intelligence, wealth, composure/calmness, connections, loyalty (he’s loyal to his friend Kris). I won’t have the same fleshly connection as I did with Ray, but he would make a good parent too (no idea if he’d even want kids). Either way, I am interested in growing the connection for BOTC purposes and to see if we can build a friendship too. He seems interseted, but isn’t as eager as last time. Perhaps he’s very busy now and/or is playing a game. Either way, no rush or need for anything anyway.

People I’m willing to take a step back with:

• Kwok — I think he’s a nice person and has good intentions. However, I’m not sure where our friendship will take us. He is mostly into party/drugs, and that’s not my scene. And he isn’t that into games. We can do food and movies, but he doesn’t seem to have interesting reflections on things either. I am happy to be around good people, but his connections aren’t the direction I want to take my life.
• Jemes Woo — Good vibes when we hangout, and he keeps up with me here and there on messages. I’m very supportive of him too. But there’s an undertone of transaction sometimes if you purely think about his endeavors with mixology. I don’t care to mix with his social groups anymore, and I don’t really want to drink that much anymore either. Even though he’s a chill guy, I don’t see much depth and direction with him.

Not sure:

• Daved — I like Daved, but it can feel like he has the desire to show his appreciate of me, but not the urge to really spend time or have a more present friendship on a daily scale.
• Wills — Wills started putting in a bit more effort after I took him to his bday dinner despite him forgetting about mine. To me, he’ll always be a lifelong friend. But we also just don’t have the same friend overlaps and his priorities are elsewhere, which is fine. Just need him to execute my will when I die LOL.
• Brendan — I like him, but he’s been taking a step back from me. So what I can do, right?

There are obviously a lot of others in the periphery, but I’ve already faded them out, or it’s just not going to happen. I do want to visit SF and Vancouver to explore more and see some people I’ve made connections with.

2. Living Situation

I’ve made strides in thinking this through. Overall, I don’t think I want the burden of a big house, but I also like having space and privacy.

Next step is to do periodic Airbnbs in: Mid-city (for social), near UCLA (for sex), Vancouver (for social), SF (for social/exploration), near UCSD (for sex/exploration)

I might really just do these periodic travels. I don’t really want my own place where I then need to host gays. Don’t want to have to say no.

In 2026, I have expiring leases, and may do one of the two:

• Stanton Condo: I think it’ll be enough space for work, storage cabinets, small hangouts, lounging, sleeping, small crafts, cooking, and a tonal. It’s also close to Planet Fitness/food in that plaza, 10–15 to Costco/TJ, near Lux spa/can access I Spa. Viet Asians in the area (for fun?). Will be easier to clean. But less privacy with closeby neighbors with touching walls.
• Anaheim House: It’s more space than I need. I’d be able to host more activities, but people wouldn’t live nearby enough for me to do it. It’ll be harder to clean. Not as near certain amenities, but close enough to Fullerton Costco and TJ in the hills. Fullerton has CSUF for fun? And decent Asian population in general? Will be more costly but also more privacy.

It becomes more and more a toss-up. I kind of think I’m an OC boy, but there’s simply more community in LA. I can live a quieter LA life too, but my rental properties are in OC, so I inevitable have to be in OC from time to time. For family stuff too: niece/nephew bdays, LNY, Thanksgiving, etc. I’m comfortable and used to the Cerritos life.

Need more thinking through of this. I have a year.

3. Work Situation

I’ve been reluctant recently about getting rid of my side gig. It’s easy money, and good money. But I really do want the time instead. So I will be for sure quitting in about 1.5 months. Using up some sick days first to maximize things.

This will open up my time for hobbies.

I was offered a direct report at main gig. And I will decline it, saying that it’s my natural strength and preferential lean to be an Individual Contributor. And my goal is to be an IC Director if possible.

4. Relationships/Dating

I will be dating seriously after my Asia trip. Top candidates:

• Lindsy: main drawback is physical attraction; second is potential clout chasing mentality. I don’t see it as much, he seems kind.
• Asef: explained above. He seems good in general, but can be petty, he admits. Listen to that.
• Tin: in SF, parties a lot more than I do. Good person overall, but just might be too extroverted socially. Slight issues with physical attraction.

They aren’t particularly strong candidates when it comes to physical attraction, and I think that will be the “downfall” of these. But if I had a child, I’d want them to date Lindsy first, then Tin, then Asef. And I’d care more about their future than their temporary fleshly needs. But that’s because I’m not them right?

I do think I want a partner who’d want kids. It feels a bit premature to not continue building with someone. They need to have either or both the physical capacity (time, energy) to do a lot of the work or money, so we can hire help. It must be designed in a way that we do not overly burn out. And we need to have a good foundation.

5. Travel

I am so behind on travel plans. I am excited for it, and I cannot put it off for social reasons, but I’m just too busy with work and social life and unwinding.

I’m pretty booked on travel this year, but I want to focus on explorations. This might be a good reason to stay in Stanton and use my funds for travel instead.

6. Who I want to be, where I want to be.

This is the ultimate goal/reflection. I want to be someone who maximizes enjoyment with my time. This includes relaxing.

This comes from the philosophy that we have limited time alive, and everything is meaningless (we are a small speck in a massive universe, on a near infinite timescale), so life is just about enjoyment. My parents didn’t get to enjoy a lot of things before they died, so I don’t want the same fate. That was weird to type out, but I guess it’s true.

There’s a satisfaction/enjoyment/quality experience from having kids with a partner. And if I get to do it, that’s great. Otherwise, there are other enjoyments I want to pursue.

Priorities to bring me enjoyment:

• Exploration (learning new things, travel, trying new foods, random projects/hobbies, new shows/movies, socials, etc)
• Games (mainly BOTC, but other board games too)
• Sexual things (playing with cute guys, cruisy spas, gay saunas)
• Nice things (treating myself to new toys like the drone I got, nicer flights/hotels, less of a focus but more an upgrade thing)
• Deeper connections/friendships/relationship
• Familiar comforts/security (living with aunt/uncle, eating traditional TW dishes, OC establishments, cousins, old friends, etc)
• Journaling/introspecting (my journal YT, this journal, chatGPT)
• Healthy living (exercising, trying to be hot, eating healthy, sleeping well, supplements/power foods/TCM; feels good and improves quality of life)
• Create (art/painting/crafts/new games/new foods and recipes after becoming more knowledgeable)

Direction of life:

• Grow a more independent gay life (me and partner, potential family)
• Have a good set of gay friends and old friends (with deeper connections)
• Have occasional larger gay functions to stay connected
• Go to game cons and play/host games
• Create — creating new scripts, games, or content for fun (can be different projects, at my whim)
• Grow — there needs to be a sense of growth that I’m heading somewhere (maybe it’s improv, acting, or becoming a figure in the BOTC world; I need to be evolving and improving)

While it can be very fun just running random projects, the “Grow” part can be missed. I don’t want to feel like I haven’t gone anywhere or that things aren’t going anywhere. I want to grow relationships and endeavors. I want a more solid direction that I love and am proud of to grow on. I am not sure if kids is that direction, but it has to be something meaningful. Maybe a media thing? I already have that YT journal.

Even becoming famous can feel anticlimatic, building a social group can as well. This may require more introspecting. But I’m glad we indentified this. Final question: What is a meaningful thing/direction to grow in for me in my life?