My boyfriend is impulsive, unpredictable, and unstable — And I love that.

My Secret Notebook
2 min readJun 7, 2024


Sometimes I do a little exercise where I think of life as a game. When I say game, I mean like a table top RPG or video game that I’m actually playing. When I play games, I fearlessly play like I have no regard for consequences and just do whatever I want.

And… what’s stopping me from living my life like that too?

Sure, there are “real life consequences”, but at the end of the day, we will die anyway, and if the fearless, exciting route is more fun and enjoyable…why the fuck not?

So that comes to the title of this post, something I just found myself saying out loud to myself in my room, in front of my desk, in between work meetings.

I was just thinking about how one of my coworkers is very on top of everything — organized, efficient, top-performing… and boring. Predictable. I found myself wondering if his wife found life lackluster.

And to be honest, regardless of who I’m with, I’m going to have complaints and dissatisfactions and disappointments lol. But if I’m going to be a in relationship, I have to pick my disappointments.

And I realized I seek and enjoy the unpredictability. Sure, an unstable relationship is terrible for life planning, kids, and a “successful” future, but it kind of keeps me guessing, like watching a drama where you the cliffhanger leaves me wondering if Michael Desiato will betray his best friend Charlie Figaro or becomes allies with crime lord Jimmy Baxter.

Perhaps “success” and “healthy relationships” are just more silly human constructs, defined by social norms, that we’ve come to value, even from a woke perspective. But at an individual level, a person’s values may be very different.

Maybe I value chaos.

Or maybe I’m just coming up with reasons to justify staying in an actually unstable relationship.



My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.