My past church life, what I missed out on, and my future
I just watched a bunch of videos of church choir when I was conducting 8–9 years ago before I left church, and it got me remembering how I spent my youth.
When I was 20 I wrote a song that I taught at a “church camp” when I was 21. And by 27, it was sung all around the world.
The prime years of my life, I was racking up church skills and church “status”:
- Piano playing
- Choir conducting
- Interpretation from Chinese to English (and eventually a bit of the reverse)
- Bible study leading
- Sermon delivery (didn’t actually deliver much)
- Bible knowledge
- Chinese to Spanish interpretation
- Music writing
I was leading groups, going to events, and very involved.
I was highly respected. I remember going to someone’s house in Irvine, and I remember when I said who I was they were immediately like, “Oh my bad, I didn’t realize I was talking to THE [insert name]”. I don’t remember the phrasing.
Similar to when I was in high school and the student running the lunch area was shocked to see my name come up when I typed my number to buy lunch.
I was used to being famous ish. I did things that mattered to the community and it took me places. I was “talented”. And I enjoyed doing impactful things that I thought would be fun or beneficial to the community.
But that all disappeared when I left church.
And it sort of seems like I was building toward nothing?
Think of what could have been had I been more in the gay community and building in that direction.
Drag queens who did so have now built self-owned businesses that basically just generate income for them.
Sure, I have my own “small fortune” of now $2.1M in real estate, retirement accounts, cash/bonds, and taxable brokerage; but I’m just now starting over in the gay community.
The advantage is that I have more life experience and knowledge of self, but I still commit faux pas: I’m not as versed in gay world, and I haven’t been socializing as much in the last 5 years, so I’m rusty.
And I kind of don’t super care. I know I get pulled into the politics and social strategem when it arises, at least my brain will see it as a puzzle and engage. But I need to constantly re-orient myself toward what I truly care about: enjoying life.
At church, I created beautiful things, and I enjoyed doing that. The respect and status was a nice cherry on top too.
But now I’m starting a new life as a more openly gay man. And I want to build a life I truly love for myself.
I don’t need many people around me, and I am not dependent on any one pocket in the community to be happy. I have learned to enjoy my time alone, and I have money to be enjoying as well.
I’m blessed. And I want to make the most of it while I can.
There are new projects and ideas I want to explore and expand on. But so little time left in my life.
I think back still to when I was 18–20s. So much great sex I could’ve had lol. So much potential I could’ve had with my body and youth. Wasted on chastity and religion?
Well, I still enjoyed a lot 25+ in the last 10 years. But the passions of youth were cut short for me.
My ex WAS definitely top quality sex though, so I did enjoy it for a good 3 years. Will be hard to find something that good.
Either way, I truly am getting bogged down by my natural “overthinking” when it comes to social things. And I need the following to re-orient:
- Sleep
- Exercise
- Eating well
I have #3. I just need to focus on #1 and #2. Then it will give me health and energy. Exercise always gets me pumped up and super productive. And positive.
My body has been poorly regulated because of #1 and #2 being lacking. I need to step it up so I can enjoy my 30s more!
After I quite my side gig and go to Asia, I will be able to really simplify my life more.
