One year ago, I could’ve become anybody. Now, this is who I am.

I was just looking back at an old journey entry last year. That was freshly after my dad had just died, my ex and I broke up, and I was completely “freed” from anybody.

I was getting invites to raves/parties and access to a lot of cute guys all at once.

Today, I still have all that access, which still feel fucking incredible, but I went from a stem cell that could be come anything, to a more specific cell.

What specific cell have I become?

1. Board game gay: This was basically inevitable, but as I continued playing Blood on the Clocktower, I luckily found gaysians who also played, and again, luckily, I’ve been invited to play more. I was afraid to go in too heavy on this because I just wasn’t sure what was realistically available out there.
2. Late 30s/40s artsy gays: The parties, game group, and drag adjacent group that I’ve been in touch with are a bit older and artsy. This means movies, themed parties, and game days. Less focus on circuit/body/being hot. Some people also don’t drink, and I stopped in the spring, so less of the alcohol gays.
3. Mid-city/Koreatown/Hollywood gays: I’ve found myself more around these areas. Less in Culver City, North Hollywood, Sawtelle, or West LA. A bit in 626 once in a while. Barely in OC.
4. Slutty gay: I’m not super exposed for being slutty at the moment, but after I started taking PrEP and DoxyPEP, I’ve been hoe-ing it up: circle jerk, orgies, sex parties, gay saunas, etc. I even fucked raw for the first time at a Korean spa. Full slut!

In the last 3–4 months I’ve also felt like I was no longer the new girl anymore. I had some clout and audacity to request plus ones, and I’m more solidified in certain circles.

I’ve spent the last 2 months in LA a lot, socializing and hoe-ing. A few people even pointed out that I’ve been “putting myself out there more”, which is kind of true and no need for me to talk down. I think the nice parts of the community have come out more, and the parts that seemed kind of mean have faded or even appeared small-minded to me.

There’s really a lot out there, and being presentable and cute “enough” can get one quite far! It makes it quite easy to just introduce yourself after knowing at least one other person, and asking how you each know someone. And after asking where they live, what they do, potentially exchange instagrams. It’s so natural and fast at this point. Before, I started out slower and more awkward.

Of course, there are many in gaysian LA who’ve had years of clout-building. I barely host stuff. So, I’m just a fun guest who enjoys contributing to the space. But that might be enough. Hosts like people who are reliable, show up, and add.

But I constantly think about my next step. Is it obviously just for me to immerse into LA more, to move? Or do I take it more comfortably? Stay at home and perhaps even build a little OC life for myself away from the superficial empty LA life.

This is because even after all that fun “socializing”, at home, I’m just back to my own screens, my own room. And just like when I was in college, it’s echoes of “nobody truly cares”. I’m not actually super close to these circles. I just have a few I’m “closer” to who even will rush to build clout with more important people when we’re in bigger groups. It’s easy come, easy go.

I like to show face, so I can enjoy other events more because I am seen as an integrated/participating member. But at the end of the day, I just want to focus on a few stronger relationships. And probably mostly one relationship.

And then once in a while dabble into the bigger groups.

But again, I always have fun when I go out nowadays lol. It’s the sexy young life that’s glamorized. And I’m fucking living it!

I’m very thankful and blessed, and I want to make sure I don’t let it go to waste. I thank God for this opportunity!

Now, on to my third world problems: who to date, trying to date, finding hot guys, deciding where to live, choosing which comforts are best, and being healthy/hot.