My Secret Notebook

Aug 21, 2021

3 min read

Re-evaluating what I want to do: sex life, YouTube, general stuff

I think it’s a good time to re-evaluate what I want.

A part of me wants to just look for fuck buddies to satisfy my desire to sex up attractive boys.

Another part of me wants to pursue something bigger like my YouTube stuff.

And then a third part of me wants to work out more and get into the dating game.

Finding fuck buddies is ideal because it’s less investment, less waste of time, and uncomplicated.

I also have been getting cold feet on YouTube stuff. I’ve been so heavy on watching shows/animes that I’ve temporarily lost motivation/interest in YouTube. But I still need to keep my IG going.

I think I do want to build something, but I fear creator burnout the most. And well, I haven’t posted a single YT video, and I’m already burnt out LOL.

It comes down to the fact that I’m not a video creator (as in with me recording myself). I really am more convinced of this now because with my IG, I have no interest/steam in story videos even though I posted some in the beginning.

I absolutely have the tools to record myself, but it’s more of a chore than something I’m excited about. I get more excited about crafting up and polishing pics I took or writing up a well-written piece/script.

I’m a more rehearsed kind of guy, a writer, a perfectionist. And I need to play to my strengths, play to what I gravitate toward.

I don’t see myself talking in front of a camera as something I enjoy doing. But I do like playing/making games and creating digital assets. They’re proud pieces of work.

I think screenwriting might be something I really like. Because I like getting my work produced by others. But I’m not into going full-time. I don’t know how to get my feet in.

Also, where am I even goin to take my IG?? It’s in limbo until I decide to either take it board games or go general influencer.

A few weeks ago I wrote out my goals, and I just re-read them.

The YouTube is really about marketing for my boardgames, which is where I pour my heart. Right? Do I really want to be making board games because I stopped/put it on hold, and I was totally fine just indulging in shows/animes.

I don’t even feel like creating analytical videos of what I watch anymore, I just indulge and that’s that lol. Ugh I need to rest up and re-evaluate some more. I’m feeling lost, and I might just need more sleep and exercise.

I was just taking Bin from Singapore around, and I think that just drained me a bit too much. I need to cut out socializing so I can regroup and refocus.

My only conflict with working out more is: feeling boxed in by routine, my injured pinky, and donating sperm.

But working out more helps a lot of things: reinitiating dating, my IG, and better visuals for a YT launch. And these are basically broader better goals.

I was also thinking that the older I get, the more cut off I am from dating younger guys right? So time continues to be of the essence.