Re-evaluation: What do I want out of life?

It’s time to re-evaluate. I just finished an IVF cycle, and I was with Dorith for 2 weeks. We only got 1 embryo out of it, that’s still doing PGT-A testing, so it might not even be viable.

But here we go:

1. Kids? Even though I think parent-child love is amazing, I don’t want to have kids unless I’m with an amazing partner that will help carry a lot of the physical elements of child-rearing. I’m way too frail, but my strength is in the more administrative and educationally enriching areas. I’ve accepted that if I don’t find such a partner, I’d rather not have kids and enjoy other elements of life. Maybe even a low-standard emotional baseline from dating Ray is acceptable? Uh.. maybe not.
2. Attention: I like having the ability to get attention. But it’s not always so shiny to me. I only want the attention of certain people: hot people, smart people, and powerful people. I think being hot can get me far. But I don’t know exactly what I want to use it for. I can only think of sex and relationships.
3. Community/Friends: I do find this to be important, but I always get disappointed in people, get tired of people, or don’t fit in. I think I already have some community, and maybe that will just be it. But I like to explore more communities for curiosity’s sake.
4. Learning/Random Projects: Honestly, random projects have lost their shine since 2022. But I like to keep my capacity open in case curiosity is sparked. It inevitably is. But sometimes it all just feels so meaningless and passing.
5. Loving partner: I want to be in a loving relationship. It’s true. There you go. I want to do stuff with my partner and grow together, and experience magical love. Might be okay if it’s just that tbh.

I don’t think #5 will be doable until I get over Ray. And it’s not letting up right now.