My Secret Notebook

Aug 23, 2021

6 min read

Re-examining my goals to be a Youtuber

I was just watching this YouTube video by small YouTuber Sena Shimotsuma where he talks about living a “boring life” — how he loves being at home more than anything.

And it got me wondering about my next steps. And in fact, the steps after those steps. I realized I need to take a step back (haha more stepping in all directions) and re-evaluate where exactly I want to take things in the big picture.

In my mind, I keep procrastinating my “end goal” of making a boardgame YT channel, but I have to realize how shortlived that could be. Perhaps it flops, perhaps I take things another route, but maybe I learn “on the job” and shift things quickly once I start.

Say that I move on from that, what do I enjoy the most really? And it’s sleeping in, watching animes/shows, and hanging out with good smart people who also like to discuss things that I like to discuss. I don’t always enjoy playing boardgames with people — it depends on who I play with.

Recently, I’ve just really enjoyed snacking and watching Lucifer on Netflix. By myself. And honestly, hanging out with people — spending money outside — doesn’t beat this at all.

I did a staycation with Wain and took Bin around. All of that kind of felt flat and unfulfilling at points. And I just missed being at home by myself lol. Even when I hook-up, afterwards it’s like, yeah it was nice, but it’s over now and I’m kind of tired and ready to just do stuff I like more.

Being a content creator can be tiresome when you aren’t making content you love and care about. And it’s this fear that keeps holding me back. It’s the fear of making unfocused content (unfocused strategy) that holds me back too. It’s the fear that I will tire out and not want to be on camera. Like sure, if I get rid of my fear of not looking “perfect”, I still realize I just don’t like being on camera. I like to being behind a screen, watching/writing/thinking. Not on the screen.

My reflections don’t come very often, but I think I’m a creative writer and I have a voice. So I want to jump on that. Perhaps I spend and dedicate 30 min to 1 hr twice a week to scripting — or better yet, outlining something I want to say/share. Then record myself. Plan for 10 “speech”. PRACTICE by just recording. And then maybe NEVER post it? For the ones you like, turn it into a video by getting an editor?

That’s the “broader” less niche approach, which goes against all advice of YouTubers. But hey, I have to think broader. What do I want? How do I achieve it? Right? But no, I need to build a base audience first. Which is why I do need to go niche. Even “minimalism”, which is very influencer, is still a niche? I’m not even into it myself though tbh, but it’s lifestyle lol. Talking about my boring lifestyle, which I don’t really want to even share about sigh.

No, I like talking about a topic that isn’t too personal when my face is involved. It’s true, I still fear backlash. I’ve seen how unpopular posts can drain followers, and to be honest, sometimes those unpopular topics aren’t worth it in my mind. Sigh.

I need to build something.

Be it a YT channel, be it a meat delivery service, be it a totally random business. Why?

  1. Money: I want to fat FIRE. There, I said it. It’s just not very likely, but it’d be great. Great to be free from obligation/work/waking up early/routine, from others’ control…to some degree. And able to just have kids without working.
  2. Meaning: Sure, there’s the “superficial” meaning from leaving a legacy and finding pride in building something. But there’s also meaning in having created something — like a child project. Putting your heart into something and getting results.

Case study: my gay YT channel. I had big hopes for it, and hey, it did good enough? Reached 1k after a little over 1 year! But my attitude toward it is also so passive, and I’ve almost lost fire. I almost never check up on things and just read the comments.

And that comes to my other fear: losing interest/steam. I like novelty, and my old projects suffer the worst. Even something from the bottom of my freakin’ heart: the YT channel that has been cathartic and lifechanging. It’s just something I am riding on low, but still putting my effort in of course — it’s just one of animators is on vacation.

Case study 2: my IG. It’s still fresh-ish because it’s only been 3 months. And it’s more interactive because I DM people and it’s my freakin’ face. But I felt a lull 2 weeks ago when I felt so bored of all the outfits and poses. So in a way, I can keep doing different things there in my shoots. And I went for more pop in my outfits at Guess.

So something where I have that flexibility to change things up is what I really need. So I don’t feel boxed in.

For my IG the constant is: I take portraits, I pick new outfits, and I post photos 2x a week. There is no topic/theme in the outfits. The only theme is that it’s me. I fear that limiting myself to boardgames will feel suffocating when I really just need to break out of it. When I need the constant to be, well, me. Maybe change the scene here and there, but I guess, a vlogger?? Ugh, I don’t want to be basic like that, but my benchmark vloggers all start out in niches no?

Maybe my niche can be IG photoediting, and then transition about life. Like my life/schedule as an aspiring influencer lol.

Case study 3: choir conducting. I pawned off the boring stuff like music selection (well they volunteered) to A&B, but it really worked for me because I was focused on creative. Even if we redid a song, I would do it differently/sing it and interpret it differently. And I had others bring it to life.

IG is a one-man show, which helps me keep the wheels turning without depending on people, scheduling things out in advance. But for my YT, I will need to involve others, which is why it’s been harder to produce assets because I need a process that matches case studies 1 and 3.

This means I like in 1, I can just do the writing/source material while others produce and I review. Or in 3, where others do the admin/sourcing, and I interpret/give it life. And other’s “produce” the music. I direct.

Either way, I’m at the head of directing and creating, but I need others to work together to produce things. And I’ve gotten all the cogs turning before, so I believe I can get it to happen again, just this time, I’m talking to the camera.

I’m ready to:

  • be on camera
  • invest my own money into the project
  • dedicate time

What I still need:

  • decide on the topic/niche (I wavered)
  • get over fears of things failing because of myself
  • design a system that works depending on the topic/niche

Other commonalities between case studies 1 and 3 are that they are audio, audience consumed, and have cross overs with Christianity. I don’t know if any of these matter. I mean case study 2 only is a audience consumed product.

Here is a topic brainstorm for my YT (aside from the making boardgames idea already in motion). UGH back to the drawing board. Here’s what it needs to be: something I can write and record in 1 day/1 sitting. If I wait until the next day, I will certainly lose steam.

  • my “boring” life / eccentric introverted lifestyle (benchmarks: Kelly Stamps, Sena Shimotsuma)
  • life crisis and life stories (benchmarks needed, maybe Kelly Stamps too): this is like pondering about existential stuff and quick studies/points/research that I will mention. stories I will have to get used to rambling from memory
  • daily reflection/vlogging but with a title that is later conceived after an outline is created (benchmarks: techlead (but less niched),

I might just need a wearable mic or new mic for camera, so I’m not stuck to my room.

One of my fears is that my YT will be stupid, especially if it just hinges on vlogging. But hey, if you never record, you never know. YOU DO NOT NEED TO POST EVERYTHING REMEMBER.

Need better lighting setup in my room, which is where I want to be tbh.

Sigh, I don’t like to talk about my life/lifestyle frankly on the internet because there is some risk with job situation.

I need analysis, and I need board games lol. It’s just not colorful and “hobby”/interests enough. Well, honestly, from a dating perspective. I’m trying to get into the board game circle. And then make it about entertainment. I think I had a good idea all along, I just need to get back on track.

Next step is to clean up my content for my 2nd video and recruit an editor. Just use the same one for all editors or else I’ll never get out of this slump. Spend the gosh darn money.