Rethinking life

My Secret Notebook
3 min readSep 30, 2023

Urge to rethink everything is stemming from:

  1. Being more withdrawn lately: in TX (just got back btw), with fam/friends, etc I’ve just been more withdrawn and my thinking has been that I just don’t really care about people/anything.
  2. No negotiation/overwhelmed guyfriend: Roy self-identified as often overwhelmed. I didn’t see it that way — I thought it was more that he was a more negative person with very different moods (can be very cruel/mean in my opinion, but other times very sweet). When he’s in a mood, it’s no negotiations, and only worse if you try to. He can be avoidant too, so it feels weird to me if I give other people more attention that I give him, which is not that much because he’s not super deep/thorough when it comes to messaging.
  3. Being too tired from work: the voluntary workload is getting to me. Maybe it’s not worth the big change to my mood? But I keep thinking, the alternative is that I’m still lazy and making less money?

Here’s the plan:

  1. Chill out with work: Once I make enough money for 2 surrogate kids (probably 2ish years), I can be more free about quitting if it’s overwhelming. Even now, I can maybe even lax out on the work I do and wait to be fired lol.
  2. Ask Roy to be my bf: Maybe after that 2ish year mark, OR at least before living together, I can ask him to be my bf. And/or before that, ask about future. Does he want kids? If not, what if I do? What does he want for our future? What does he want with me? If it’s a no go, then he might tell me to go our separate ways again, which he’s said twice. At that point, I probably should just listen to him. He has told me he doesn’t want to waste my time. And if he hasn’t figured it out in over 2 years, then it really will be too much of a waste of my time. Moving in is too big of a step for me.
  3. Have kids: If I’m with Roy, we’ll figure something out. If I’m not, I might want to do some vacationing first, and then date around a bit, and if no luck, just raise kids on my own. I’ve been thinking about this way too much, and I think it’s something I do want, though the physical strain is what I need to think through/work through.

I think I haven’t been as happy as I was before. Before I was content. Now, I’m starting to feel a bit dead toward life, apathetic, and indifferent on whether things go one way or another. That’s largely because I regress to how meaningless and insignificant everything is in the grand scheme of things. Detaching helps me cope with otherwise stressful things, but that’s the thing… I become detached toward everything, and it makes me feel not happy, because there’s no attachment to things that make me happy. I’m too reliant on my happiness coming from Roy tbh. I need to rethink what makes me happy.

What makes me happy:

  1. Meaningful connections with people I like: Who do I even like? No one really. Loie probably. Then David maybe? Roy obviously. But that’s literally it. I don’t even care to make more friends. Everybody sucks. Maybe I can connect via RPG circles and/or the BOTC circle, just do some light socializing? idk.. fuck..
  2. Badminton/Pickleball: This one is too tied to Roy. I should play with other ppl too. Maybe Loie? Who else?
  3. Travel/Exploration: I can definitely do more of this. Maybe tomorrow I’ll explore somewhere.
  4. Relaxing/Spa: Like a chill day at a cafe/spa.
  5. Fooding: I’ve taken a break from trying new foods bc Roy isn’t super into it and because I’m saving. But what the hell, I should do more fooding!
  6. Board games: conventions are enough, I don’t want to sit around all day too much.
  7. Shows/movies: Maybe more plays/musicals? Kinda expensive.
  8. Improv: Maybe watch more of this in person? It’s all online tbh. Maybe play with some locals.

Okay, I’m glad I did this brainstorm/brain dump. I got some good action items:

  1. More local travel/exploration
  2. More fooding (maybe with Patrick? Brian? or by myself)
  3. Try improv locally

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My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.