Roy and I on break

My Secret Notebook
3 min readOct 13, 2023

It’s finally happened, Roy and I are on a break.

On Sunday, I went to his place to talk to him. We had gotten into an argument over Line. It was about how he found me checking on him to hangout inconsiderate because he had work, which he said he “may or may not” have. Whatever, I let it blow over. But on the next Saturday, he said he never he had to work on that day, even though he said he “may or may not be able to hangout for weeks/weekends in Oct”. And I got really mad. “I never said that”.

ANYWAY, we had make-up dinner on Monday, and today Thursday, we played pickleball. Singles was fine, but when we played doubles, we had tension from miscommunications — his putdowns and telling me what to do. Dinner was better, but then got bad when we argued about whether or not wage discrimination occurs between females/males. After dinner, I messaged him.

Basically, he had said on Sunday that he wasn’t interested in being life partners with me. That’s not what he’s looking for, and if that’s what I’m looking for, he’s not it. That’s the real sticking point. He also said today “you deserve better”. And from my online reading, I should believe him for both.

I kind of lost respect for myself by continuing to see him, but today I said it was hard for me to give the same love if we aren’t on the same page. And I was still figuring out how I feel. He suggested we take a break. And after a while, I agreed.

I didn’t set an end date, but he didn’t either. I’m fine with that, I’ll just reach out either next week or when I feel ready. I think we’ll want more closure too, as it’s been over 2 years. If not, we had some good closure over messaging today too.

Overall thoughts at the moment about him:

  1. He really isn’t a good fit. We’ve had personality conflicts. No need for details at this point. He gambles, vapes, is in debt, and is impulse-driven/living in present/hates planning for the future.
  2. He’s fucking great in bed. He has better hygeine and sex interest/skills/giving-ness that I do for sure, and is the best. He likes me dick and kissing me, and I love it too. I love fucking him lolll.
  3. He’s hot. I think since I got skinnier and have skinny fat recently, that was probably a big part of why he lost the flame. TO BE HONEST.
  4. He’s non-commital. This is what it boils down to. Whether he says one thing or another, we were never boyfriends. And he was clear he is firm on a lot of things he doesn’t like.
  5. He self-focused. If he’s frustrated or stressed, it has to be all about him. Anything against his emotional feelings is wrong; no objectivity aside from this rule.

For me, I need someone who WANTS a relationship, a future, a family, etc. And I’m fine with doing a family by myself. It’ll be hard, but if it must be, I am willing to do it.

I love him a lot, and he was amazing, the longest person I ever “dated”. I will miss him and his tenderness, his playfulness, his passion, and his heartfelt/caring side. He can be so sweet and generous sometimes. Other times, so stingy with his feelings/words lol.

I’ll always love him and if he ever needs me, I will be there.

--

--

My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.