Strong urges to get back with my ex

I went to a “jerk off club” just now. And it sucked.

It was mostly olds and fats. There was one younger guy, who ended up jerking me off. There was an older thicker guy who kept following me around and touching me.

It was “waste” of money. Only purpose was for me to finally go and stop wasting future time thinking about what it is.

I also had my first Grindr hookup in a long time today, and my first return to K-spa cruising last night.

After all of this, it just felt so empty and low quality again. Everyone’s not really that attractive, and it just sucks.

I miss Ray so much, but I also feel like I dirtied myself, and he wouldn’t want me anymore. How do I even explain this and still say that I love him?

I want to just message him and say, “Hi, sorry for reaching out if you do not want me to. I do not mean to disrespect your space. So feel free to delete/ignore this if you prefer. I wanted to see if you will be willing to talk in person. Even though we had a lot of issues, I can’t ever stop loving you. I gave my heart to you, and it’s not something I can just ungive. I can only think about you everyday, and I don’t want to stop. I apologize for hurting you in any way. I never want to hurt you. Maybe you hate me, maybe you never want to see me again. I understand. But if there is still the love and desire to try again, I would also want to try again. I want to know what you would like from me. I’m willing to try different things for us. Either way, even if you do not want to try again, would you be willing to at least meet one last time?”

This is truly from my heart.

I know there are a lot of “ideal” ways to design my life and plan for a future. But without love, everything just feels so empty and meaningless.

Sure, love can feel like a trap, but you can only be trapped if you care about something enough to stay in the trap? Or maybe you’re actually being forced… lol. Well, I was feeling trapped, but I’d rather feel that instead of being just out and about with no roots and no love. I know our poor communication is killing our relationship, but we have money. And we can buy more therapy. So I think I want to buy more therapy (weekly??) and try again. OK?

I’ll also move out in Nov or sooner, and/or get expensive hotels on the weekends for us. I want to spoil him and get him gifts.

I miss him so fucking much.

I know I shoudn’t act just yet. But I’m going to chatgpt this all and get chatgpt’s thoughts.