The Next Steps In My Life

My life has been so disorganized, and it’s taken me a good 2 weeks of lazy show-binging to finally be ready for a change. Let’s shake it up.

Let’s talk overall goals first, then discuss next few steps.

So, in terms of big picture, I have 3 main projects I’ve been courting:

1. My secret YT
2. My board game YT
3. My chicken business idea

I’m on the verge of giving up on the chicken idea. It’s not revolutionary, and it’s easily replicable. I’ll wait for feedback on my last round, and after that, if I can’t find a way to ship cheaply OR if I can’t find at least 10 consistent subscribers, it’s a lost cause, and it’s time to stop. Biggest asset is the fridge, which we can keep for “overflow” items, but I kind of want to recoup that $400. We’ll see.

For my board game channel, I really want to make games that I am obsessed with, not algorithm-driven content. But I do want to get it more focused. So, my next few steps is to hide not game-related videos (actually no). My next step is to dive into making RPG game ideas (the food adventure RPG with real food lol, and the trauma one). I mean, I keep getting ideas. I need to actualize.

Secret YT is business as usual.

Next item is body. I want to get back into exercising. I also want to build in more cardio. My biggest “mantra” was that exercise and sleep can bring a lot of base happiness. And that’s what I’ve been missing, “happiness”. I’ve been a bit lonely this weekend. And I think what I need is some more excitement. Well, I’m about to go to NY, and then Strategicon lol. But it’s never too late to start good habits. I’m not sure if I’m all the way ready for a trainer again — maybe. But how about this: 30 pushups a day minimum? And then bicep curls and shoulder dumbbells. And if that works out well, we can court the idea of a trainer again, but the issue is money. I need flexibility for dad’s teeth and potential chicken. AH screw it, yolo. Also, new curfew and sleep time. And no more shnacks.

Now, onto baby/family/relationships. It seems like me being honest sort of was fine with Amber and Ku today. That makes me optimistic about the future with them, but the fact that they were dodgy and such sometimes is still worrisome. I don’t have a lot of close friends, and that can make me lonely at times, but I self-reflection and such help close the gap. I also don’t want to tire myself out on relationships I don’t truly want and that won’t last.

For TX babies, I plan to visit them on their bdays. That’s basically the extent of my involvement. For my own babies, I’m getting more concerned with my ability to raise them. I don’t think find myself with consistent energy to even take care of myself, and I feel like I’d be stressed out constantly (like way too much) and need an out. Definitely need a devoted partner for babies. At the end of the day, baby-raising is sort of outsourced to TX already?? Although I do want a family of my own, I may need to wait a bit more after I fully exhaust my ideas/endeavors. Which I do feel is making its way now that I’m much more myself.

Alright, and now for Roy. My guess is that he’s hesitant to move forward with things because he’s not in a “stable” place with career. He said he rejected hanging out with my friends partially also because he doesn’t like meeting new people. At first, I thought it was because he has social anxiety, but the way he said it also kind of made me feel like it was a bit self-focused in that he isn’t addressing the fact that meeting my friends is about “doing something for me”. In a way, he’s saying he’s not willing to experience some social discomfort for me, which is sucky.

I think I want to give it slightly more time, like for him to graduate, and for him to job hunt a bit. But soon, I’m going to ask for a DTR, and I’ll probably move on quickly if he’s not going to be serious with me. Although I can’t really right now, I like him too much. But this will be part of the timeline with working out/getting hot.

The big question: what do I really want? What do I really care about?

At the end of the day, I care about these things:

1. Having fun playing board games
2. Meaningful relationships
3. Taking care of my dad
4. Being remembered for something / legacy

I think my biggest struggle is with defining and finding #4. Is passing on my genes already “legacy”? Are my secret YT videos already that “something” I can be remembered for / that small mark I made? Endeavors often feel lackluster after a while. And it makes it so hard for me to push through something uninteresting when something new and shiny awaits.

And #1, I realize, I don’t really have a good group to play with right now. I mean I can always go to Wills’ to play, but he lives far lol, and I have to get better at body regulation to withstand that. Strategicon is my 3x a year getaway for that lol. Alternatively, I can also join meetups more!

Okay, I think I will have to accept that #4 is going to be unknown and in progress for a while. I’m taking both YTs slowly because I don’t want to burn out, and I need balance in my life. If I’m taking it at my own pace (same with chicken, waiting on feedback, and then seeking customers slowly), I think I can put in some pillars for my day-to-day.

Day-to-day changes (BE STRICT):

1. No more snacks. Snacks give me belly fat, and I link it too much to my show-binging.
2. Wake up at 8:30am.
3. No more food at 9pm. Shower at 9:30pm. Be in bed by 10pm. My concern here is when Sean is over. If I break my habit, it will be hard to get back to it. Also, what about Roy meetups, hm…
4. Do pushups at 5:30pm everyday. No exception.
5. No more cakes, desserts, and such in excess of 1 bite. Be strict. No exceptions.

Short term plan:

1. Workout and become hotter. Looks are the currency of the world sadly. I’m trying to up my game for my videos and socials.
2. DTR with Roy
3. Be hot in my YT videos
4. Balance a thottie IG again (AT my own pace), add my email? And get rid of my board game stuff. Stop advertising my IG on my youtube videos (keep it on About page). Hide some board game content. And keep it balanced. Eventually get rid of videos where I’m not hot. Yes, I’m making an “online version” of myself. Fuck it.
5. Fill in the rest of my time with my projects.