There’s no reason to do anything

When I’m tired or unmotivated, I fall back into the thinking that nothing really matters. Today’s line is, “there’s no reason to do anything”.

It makes me think of when I am energetic. Is it just that in those moments, I’m excited about an idea that is interesting or demands attention? And then later, it will fizzle out once I have exhausted it in my mind?

Those ideas that gave me momentary excitement — they don’t really matter either right?

I thought sharing my thoughts and documenting my experiences would be meaningful. But when I zoom out now and think about it, it’s still really insignificant.

I think I was just trying to justify becoming a YouTuber and hoping to make money from that. But really, isn’t it a super small % that is even successful? And with my unreliable ebb and flow of energy, underscored by my recurring thoughts that nothing really matters, would it even be sustainable?

My gay channel has survived, but that’s because of it’s setup where I only write scripts in 1 setting usually. That way, any commitment after that is minimal and review/edit only.

I’m so tired to even do photoshoots now. It’s sad.

What even matters to me?

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My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.