Thoughts on my almost-relationship

My Secret Notebook
3 min readFeb 17, 2023

I think it’s the same thing over and over again. He is pouty and petty right now because we had an “argument” about how he played a game on his phone during dessert, and how my tone was condescending when I was talking about how it’s illegal to record voice audio in California without two-way consent.

At the end of the day, I don’t care about technicalities. It’s about how it feels like he doesn’t care about how I feel sometimes. I will explain why I feel like something is disrespectful to me, and he will just say “Okay, I’ll try to change it” and it feels like he’s saying he doesn’t really care that much and “if it happens, it happens.” Like he doesn’t take it seriously.

And that was a BIG issue with me during brunch last time when I asked, “You mean, you don’t care how I feel?” And he said “Yes”, which he later said he misspoke.

But it keeps coming back to that, and last time I told myself that it’s a big no for me if it happens again.

So you know what, I think it’s a good time to really re-evaluate and see if this is really something that will work for either of us.

Yes, I love him and he can be very sweet and caring. But he can also be very inconsistent. Sometimes in a good mood, and other times like he doesn’t care about you. And that doesn’t feel good for anyone. And I can’t really be open about my thoughts because it feels like he always gets defensive or offended if anything remotely close to critical is spoken about him. This is completely not how I operate, and it’s a big mismatch in communication style. I can’t be direct/say certain things at all.

So here’s my clear plan:

  1. Workout, become hot again
  2. Get to equilibrium with work situation (collect some PTO, make adjustments to get good WLB)
  3. Once I feel good about where I am, ask him about where he sees us and lay out my feelings (if he is shutting down or pushing back, just stop immediately).
  • The Relationship: Do you feel like we’ve improved. Does the spa situation still hold you back? How come you haven’t asked me to be your boyfriend yet? If by then it’s still unclear, I feel like I would’ve done all I could, and it’s just not working.
  • Marriage: Has he given it some thought? I might be okay without it, but it depends on the thinking. Where is the direction and what is the rationale? How would it be explained if we have kids?
  • Kids: Yes, no, or haven’t thought enough about it STILL.
  • Communication Style: He needs me to have better tone; I need more direct communication and engagement during hangouts. I need to feel like he cares about how I feel when I explain how I feel. Is he also willing to make it work?
  • Finances: My financial goals. What does he think? What are his goals?

Maybe I won’t even make it until then. We STILL got in an “argument” today and it has only been 1 month. I guess average of 12 arguments a year isn’t too bad LOL. I literally fought with my mom SEVERAL times a day. But he admits that he is petty. And I’m ALWAYS the first one to reach out again. He says he “was going to”, but really? Okay, well I don’t like always carrying this weight, so he’s got to too.

I know it will be hard or impossible to find a closer/close match. And if it doesn’t work out with Roy, then yeah, I accept that. There are ways to find happiness in family, raise kids, and all that. Would be better with a partner, but even better without a toxic partner.

PS. I caved and asked if he thought I overreacted. Whatever, I don’t care.

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My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.