Today’s heated discussion with Roy

My Secret Notebook
5 min readApr 24, 2023

It feels like it’s “about me” for two reasons:

One, I don’t point out how the fact that we have to stop discussing things that range from not a big deal to very important because you don’t like where it’s going. Aren’t we always stopping and avoiding communication because of you? I don’t say that because it doesn’t sound great, and because I’m being considerate of your needs to stop talking about something.

Two, you don’t bring up what you are worried about as much as I do. Both of us should be communicating things. It was a bit odd to me when you weren’t pointing out anything that bothered or annoyed you in the beginning when we began seeing each other. But it seemed like you genuinely weren’t bothered. Perhaps its a mix of tolerance as well as hiding the things that did bother you. I believe we should both do our part in being open about what bothers us, so we can work through it and talk it out. If I’m the only one that is doing it, or if it is mostly only me doing it, then of course it will feel like it’s “all about me”. But you should voice your needs and concerns. If I don’t know or understand them, I can’t do my part for you.

But honestly, today’s discussion was not a big deal. Maybe you didn’t react or respond because you didn’t think it was anything interesting or noteworthy. That’s fine. Or, maybe you are really busy preparing so you didn’t have time to react, but you can react now. That’s fine too.

Solutions could’ve been as easy as let’s just react to things and try to miss them in the future. Done. It sounds like you were bothered by other things like my react-only’s?

And if something in my tone sounds off to you, you should ask me first before responding with an intentionally hurtful tone. It has become a pattern that you will do that when you make an assumption about my tone. You won’t give me a chance to apologize or explain. And that is 100% on you. When you decide to respond with a hurtful tone, you are in the wrong now. And if I truly did not mean for my tone to mean anything, then at the end, you are the only one who is being hurtful.

Now, why am I “never wrong” and I “never apologize”? Well, that’s just not true. I am constantly apologizing. If I realize I did something wrong or that you were hurt, I will apologize. Even the keyboard generated response of me apologizing, you said sounded like me. Because I do apologize. In this situation, I am happy to apologize if I first understand what I’m apologizing for. We haven’t even finished talking about the situation and understanding each other, and you want to stop.

Even when it comes to facts, if you correct me and we see that you were right. I will say “my bad” or “I was wrong”. I don’t feel bad about that at all; if I’m wrong I’m wrong. But you don’t always do that. Even if I point out the facts, you will stay quiet until I ask for an admission.

Which comes my next point. You haven’t been using the “I feel”, “I think”, “To me”, and “In my opinion” phrases. You haven’t been trying to see the benefit of the doubt. And you haven’t been open-minded. The same exact pattern just repeats itself.

You may say I’m doing the “questions” or “bad tone”, but honestly, I’ve thought this through, and here’s what I think:

  1. Questions. I acknowledge that my line of questioning may not be comfortable for everyone. If it discomforts you, we’ve agreed that you will point it out with “I’m uncomfortable, let’s discuss this later” or “I need some space, let’s discuss this later”. But you haven’t used that phrase once. This is in consideration for both of us, but mostly me stopping to be considerate of you. The truth is, just as I’ve been misunderstood and discriminated against for being gay, hating myself, and feeling like something was wrong with me, I was made to feel the same way for the curious side of my personality. But it’s taken me time to come to accept and love both of these things about me. If this is something you think is bad or wrong about, that you can’t learn to appreciate and understand the value, then we will have very fundamental issues in the future. I choose not to be around people who will disdain, reject, or make me feel bad about a core feature of my personality that I think is valuable.
  2. Tone. If my tone is bad, the best way to approach it is with a question. Ask me if I intended for a tone to be a certain way. I will be honest, and I won’t reject rationality and honestly in favor of self-defense. If I did not intend that, explain to me how it made you feel and what you think would be a better way to say it. If you do not know a better way, suggest that we can think of a better way together later. The wrong way to approach it, is to assume without confirming my intentions. And then to react in a harmful way.

If you get upset or frustrated and want to stop talking about something, it is important to include a “let’s finish discussing this later” and to bring it up later.

I do not like not finishing a discussion before bed, especially if it is emotionally involved.

Sure, this sounds like me stating what I like and dislike, but that is me providing clear information and communication. And you should honestly and openly do the same. It’s not just about what I like and dislike. It’s what you like and dislike too. I can’t speak for you. You should speak for yourself, and then, we should come to solutions together. Without us both providing information and communication, we can’t arrive at solutions together.

A relationship is us both. It’s about me, it’s about you, and it’s about us. If one person is uneasy about something, that is something that should concern the both us. If one person has a preference or thing they want to discuss, that becomes a discussion for us both. If either of us is feeling like their needs or concerns are not being addressed, they need to quickly voice it and discuss it before it gets worse.

Communication is probably the most important part of keeping a relationship going and doing well.

I think that we are lucky to find someone that we each attracted to, but I believe we also want this to be a successful relationship. I want to put in the work, and I believe you do too. We can both talk about what we think we each need to work on. It doesn’t need to get personal and hurtful, and it isn’t something we need to avoid.



My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.