Two romantic interests: my strategy

I’m currently battling between leaning into an ESFJ potential relationship or an INTP one.

Problem in a nutshell:

• INTP been seeing for almost 2 months. Good consistency, he contributes to planning, and we both like each other. Bad parts is sometimes he has slight off scents, is still potentially getting over his ex, and is going on a 3 week asia trip in 1.5 weeks. He understands me though, and I can be very honest with him. Good match on nerdy interests.
• ESFJ I only met twice starting a week ago. He’s been getting into me fast, which tbh was kind of a similar momentum as me with the INTP at first. ESFJ is generally pretty steady, warm, and generous. Good at planning and trying to get us to do stuff. Bad parts is it’s actually less frequent than the INTP hangs, and it’ll be a month until his schedule clears up. He gives me a lot of attention, but he’s not that analytical and is more traditional, so I think there may be mismatches in really understanding me. Right now, I’m slutting it up, and I don’t think he’d like that. The INTP is okay with it.

There are 4 paths:

1. Date the INTP: there is good long term potential here, but right now, it’s obvious to me he suspects that I am going on dates with the ESFJ because I’ve been sketchy with the day I hung out with the ESFJ and he’s been hitting back with being vague about who he hung out with today. We’ll meet tomorrow to fix it. Overall good intellectual and hobby/activity match, but he’s missing affection, social bubbliness, and energy. Those are areas I think can be worked on as long as have good foundation and communication. Sex will be less frequent than desired, but we can outsource in an open arrangement.
2. Date the ESFJ: this is an curveball. If I ditch then INTP to date the ESFJ, there is a chance I’ll still not date the ESFJ because of personality mismatch. There will be a missing intellectual fulfillment with the ESFJ. Things will get stale/boring quick I fear. But there will be good comfort in food, sex, and general atmosphere. I will need to outsource intellectual fun like games and such. Socially, he will be pleasant but the more “intellectual” friends will find him lacking, and this will affect my invites too, which maybe I am okay with. He likes raves, but has hinted he wants to retire from that life. This could end up a short burst and then disintegrating to nothing.
3. Date both in a V arrangement: This is unlikely to be successful. At most, only the INTP will be open to this. The ESFJ has given strong vibes that he would just prefer to be exclusive. Even when he was almost okay with open, that was because he “trusted” the other guy, implying it was an open monogamish relationship, not a V polycule type arrangement.
4. Stop dating both: This is only going to happen if I ditch one, go with the other and we end up not dating. Or, if they both ditch me once I am too honest.

Tomorrow, I will see the INTP and reveal what has been happening to get his thoughts. I think it is fair and allowed for me to date other guys, but he will get jealous and pull back, and it will just be a lose-lose. I think to make it productive, I should share more of what I’m hoping for and what I think so far: we have good long-term potential, but it seems like he isn’t really ready for more intimacy/affection because he’s still getting over his ex or not emotionally available. Hence, we aren’t official, and he even explicitly said he wants to “take is slow”. If that has changed, I’m interested in talking more about what we want out of this. And if he isn’t okay with me talking to the ESFJ, let me know too. Also, want to get his thoughts on V arrangement.

On Monday, I will see the ESFJ. I will need to tell him that if we aren’t explicitly exclusive or official, that wouldn’t mean exclusivity on my part. I know he’s more traditional, and I admire that. But after my last exclusive relationship and betrayal, I’ve become more slutty and open to trying different arrangements. See what he thinks about V arrangement. And see what he would prefer we approach us getting to know each other, because even for him, it takes 3 months to decide if he wants to be official with someone.

There are reasons to date and not date each guy, and I feel like these guys are actually pretty good: they both have stable jobs with good pay, they both seem like they work hard, they both put in effort to the hangouts, and they’re both good kissers.

I guess this is a good problem to have. And I’m not really that stressed. If one person opts out, then it solves my problem. If they both do, maybe I’ll be a little lonely or I’ll have some social disruption too (especially with the ESFJ because we have a Halloween party together; I’ll just opt out because he was invited first). Overall, I’ll be fine. No need to spiral or whatnot. And maybe I really just still am in my slut phase? I think the INTP would listen if I want to make a case to get more serious or to apologize. TBD.