What really matters to me

My Secret Notebook
3 min readFeb 9, 2023

I realized I get hyperfixated on one person usually, that I like, usually a lover. And I adapt and adjust myself to arrange them into my life. It’s probably a normal thing, but it does come at an “adjustment” where you aren’t fully doing everything you love. And that’s fine if you’re willing to accept that. I also naturally lose interest in other things sometimes when I’m hyperfixated.

But I was just reading about ayahuasca retreat revelations after Machine Gun Kelly talked about it on his interview with Kimmel. And my reading about life revelations once again got me thinking about what really matters in life. So here I am.

  1. Family

I think my loved ones (ie. my mom, and the guys I get feelings for) and family in general (ie. my dad, my cousin) are whom I value. I make time for them and prefer to be around them rather than people who don’t care about me.

I really want to extend that family to kids, but it kind of scares me. I saw a video about a 9 year old genius who wants to be an astrophysicist, and his parents were very open to always answering questions and thinking of wasy to help him grow and expand his curiosity. I don’t think Roy really fosters that kind of intellectual curiosity. He seems like he would shut things down or bring to a halt. And I’m afraid of that.

But I also want to move on with my life.

I kind of fantasize going to a parent teacher meeting, or going to an elementary school with my kid and seeing other parents. Or going to an amusement park or zoo with my happy kid(s). I mean a lot of people do this anyway, but I guess our humanity really gives us a deep impression/inclination for it. Maybe I just sink into mediocre humanity? Lol, I mean I kind of want to “retire” that way.

I also kind of fantasize about running a little home school where my kids get tutored and stuff and I help manage their elite education. Expensive, but like very good. And I’m very close with my kids and take care of them. That’d be nice. Would need money though lol. Maybe I just take 4-5 years off? Like years 1–4 to raise kids? Spend all day with them, all that jazz. Then after they’ve all started elementary school, I could get a job again, or do something else.

2. Freedom

This is very conceptual and not really “achievement” focused. Family can be like, okay have kids and raise them. But what direction does valuing Freedom give you? Sure I can try to FIRE (retire early), which I do think about and try to attain, mostly so I can freely raise kids and relax. Maybe run for mayor and do random shit lol. Maybe make onlyfans videos with Roy (will we be too old, will our kids be embarrassed, will I be too afraid to show face).

This also means like completely open about myself and my thoughts and being unafraid of consequences. Can’t do that to some extent of the law, and employment reasons hold me back too. But really, it’s Roy that’s a big factor of me not fully expressing what I think because I don’t want to upset him. Which one can view as a sort of “maturity” too, when it comes to caring for someone else. Being a relationship is kind of the opposite of “free singlehood”. You’re no longer available or “free” on the market.

3. Learning

I want to travel and play games and expand my world. I want to get out of my room and explore! But it’s expensive. And it comes at a financial cost. So… I guess I won’t, for now. Well, I’ll try to here and there, even if Roy can’t join because of work. But I’ll be honest, I am holding out for him, so we can travel together. But I might do some small travel without him. He said I could when I brought it up lol.

I like things like food tours or mini experiences. Roy will not want to do a lot of things lol. And he’ll say “you do you” sometimes, while simultaneously not being okay with it later in the future. You never know, it’s like walking on eggshells, which now that I’m thinking about, feels kind of sucky. But I do love him, so idk maybe it’s one of the dumb “compromises” I make?



My Secret Notebook

Quirky, curious, and philosophical Asian American gay Ivy League grad living in Southern California.