Why Am I So Bad At Friendships?

Or more accurately, why don’t people like me? (lul.)

I’ve been watching YouTube trio CantoMando and enviously questioning why I don’t have as tight of friendships as they do.

Here’s one example of how they are just non-stop laughing throughout an entire video and enjoying each other’s company to the max:

I will caveat that I do think I have two good church friends Will and Alton that I’m sort of close to. Will and I used to be best friends, but we had a falling out (to be honest, because I got jealous and desperate to be closer and partially because I came out to him) and later reconciled. Recently, Alton and I have gotten much closer because he actually reaches out to hangout, we’ve been traveling together, and he’s been dating my cousin.

While these are great friendships where we can talk deep and laugh our heads off together (and I’m so grateful I have this!), I can’t say I have the same friendship as the guys in CantoMando (yet, hopefully), and I would like to share a few theory points as to why:

1. I’m not conflict-averse. In their Q&A videos, they said they motivate each other by making fun of each other. And their examples showed that they just jokingly jab each other when they aren’t getting stuff done. I realized that in terms of crunch time and work, it’s hard for me to be light-hearted. I get more serious. I separate work and play, so when I need something done, I use more direct and serious tones. That’s my style as I feel that helps get things done (and maybe because my mom used to be strict with me too?), and I can’t naturally nor successfully do the other unless I have a lot of trust (I think). I feel like this “mood-killing” attribute may make people dislike me.
2. I’m gay. I feel like a lot of people distance themselves from me when they think I’m gay — not just conservative people but just people in general too who fall prey to seeing that society generally does not favor “gayness” (and mind you, I’m guilty of internalized homophobia as well). But it’s not just liking men that repels people, it’s the more effeminate and girly tendencies that people don’t like as well.
3. I get tired easily and need to quietly recharge. I realized this at work that people may expect me to be “on” a lot of the time when I just want to chill and recover from either little sleep, tiredness, or a lot of socializing already. But I think they get turned off (ha.) by this, resulting in them distancing themselves or bumping me down a few relationship tiers in their minds. OH. Just occurred to me that maybe it’s the way that I deal with quietly recharging that is not good (not the need in itself). I exude a mean/annoyed vibe when I don’t want to talk versus other people who may give off a more sympathetic vibe. No idea how to sustainably improve this.
4. The real me scares people away. I’ve relied on people’s respect for my intelligence, talents, or even looks (gay people of course) to draw them to me and try to keep them. But the real me is kind of a troll, logically/analytically intense, and into things like boardgames, movie analysis, and psychoanalysis that most people are not into. If I lead with those, most people will be scared off. You may say, “but those aren’t people you want to be friends with!” But that’s like basically everybody LOL. WHO THEN WILL I BE FRIENDS WITH?!
5. I groomed myself to care more about academic/extracurricular success than true social success. In a way, running for class president is a kind of “social success”, but that is extracurricular success in my opinion. True social success is when you can be yourself around a loving group of friends that sticks through it long term. Winning an election can mean putting on a face and maneuvering the social landscape for “personal” gain. I was so used to sacrificing hanging out with people in order to get into a good school (ie. practicing piano, studying, competitions, etc). I think that may have carried over into the me today. At the same time, I think that’s also the base me; that element just got developed more during high school years.
6. Maybe age has jaded me (my peers). I remember high school being so energetic and fun, full of laughter and silliness. Now, there days are much further and fewer in between. Is it age that has “matured”, jaded, and slowed us down? I feel like that’s a factor.

I know friendship is not necessarily about quantity, but I can’t help but feel that there are people who have both quantity and quality, like my cousin Don. Most people really like him, and he also has a few very close friends who he travels with and hangs out with. Come again, he’s also very conflict averse, positive, energetic, and friendly. He gets stuck doing favors for people even when he doesn’t want to. I always position myself so I don’t, and that’s probably why people don’t like me as much. SIGH.

But I think I want to develop myself so that I can become that person that is true to himself and also “loved” by others, for lack of a better word. Should I care about that? I don’t know, but I’ve had that want to recently.

Love,

LB

PS. This is a secret blog (for now), so I don’t why I keep writing click-baity titles (or are they not click-baity enough).